New Venture

I've had a rough past few months. Life has been incrediably stressful apparently I'm such an impatient person that I couldn't be patient and wait for a mid-life crisis I had to have one in my 30's. So I'm working on my life, steering in new directions, throwing and tantrum and picking up the pieces. I'm going to finally throw myself completely into the art culture I'm creating art instead of babies at this point in my life. So as I was saying I'm venturing out on my own into the business world. I've started a business called "Fad-Tastic Traveling Murals". For those of you that don't know what that means here is a brief explanation. You have kids they love cartoon and movie characters however Little Billy loves Batman then after purchasing all of the room decor you can find at Walmart for him to decorate his room he wants a mural. However you live in an apartment or you know your little Billy all too well and instead of getting stuck with a Batman mural on your wall after Little Billy has moved on to Transformers I paint what little Billy wants on canvas and 6 months down the road you just order a new Traveling Mural and you don't have to re-paint or lose your security deposit. Fads come and go but every parent wants to make their child happy so there is my business plan. I'm diving in head first so let's hope I don't slam into the bottom of the cement pond.

Daily Bloggin'

Ok so I'm setting a goal today to try and keep up with my blog I've neglected it. So those that know me or would like to know me should know that I tend to procrasinate sometimes. My life has been extremely stressful lately the stress is neverending. I'm still going to add my usual funny life stories as much as possible however I feel I can't be creative all the time. I'm still at the same job slash career....I'm a 911 dispatcher and I love my job seriously I'm obsessed I never thought in a million years I would have a occupation that I love or that I felt like I was accepted at. Few may know that I've always wanted to be a 911 dispatcher or an artist since I was about 3 years old yes I have the memory of an elephant.. I chose 911 dispatcher I tend to sway towards the paying career....but when I was little and listening to my grandparents scanner I never actually knew what it took to do the jobs that the men and women behind the radio do I mean what they really do for a living. It's hard work It's challenging work. When I was little and listening to the scanner it always sounded so exciting. My uncle was a firefighter and paramedic and he loved his career and all of his stories were awesome he truly is a hero. I really loved listening to the scanner on a weekend when my family would get all amped up when they heard an exciting call for service go out over the air for the Creeds or Pungo area. My Nanny would always try to guess whose lived at the address going over the air waves for a Cardiac or she would try to guess who drove the blue datsun involved in the traffic accident involving an entrapment I'm not sure how accurate she actually was but the radio traffic was still fun to listen to. Now as an adult and a woman that has been a dispatcher for 8 years I know what the job really entails and yes it's still freaking AWESOME! The men and women that work at Virginia Beach 911 are some of the greatest most wonderful people. Each employee there is actually a hero in my book they work long hours and miss holidays and have to deal with ALOT of stress but still they go to work everyday to ensure that every citizen in Virginia Beach has someone to answer their calls for assistance be it a life-threatening emergency or just someone to answer their routine questions. People always ask "How do you do it the stress must be crazy?" when you tell them your occupation. We do it not just because someone has to but because we love it, we really do love helping people if someone tells you they don't they are bullshitting you they do. Yeah its stressful so is life. Remember though that when someone is having an emergency and yes the best of us freak out someone has to be there to listen and calm you down so you can get the help you need. When I first took this job I was so scared of the phone I would sit there praying that no call would drop into my ear. The calls however did and after awhile I no longer felt panicked during high priority calls I realized I really love this and I've helped alot of people in my time at 911. Sure there are everyday office issues that can be tedious or annoying to some and it's not always easy to get along with everyone all of the time but I truly respect my co-workers they are great people they are fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, artistic, creative, funny and intelligent caring people friends actually. I wouldn't give this career up for anything in the world. So next time you have to call dispatch (hopefully for a non-emergency) remember we're there to help you and sometimes a thank you goes a real long way.

Failed Execution

When you live in the county and your activities are limited and friends are sparse you pretty much depend on your parents providing you with a Nintendo or by default siblings. Since my Dad and Mom were thrifty parents who loved to coin the phrase "we don't like to buy anything the year it comes out just in case the company is working the bugs out" and with my luck of course that meant I never recieved the blasted NES game system I so desperately wanted for christmas and asked for 5 holidays in a row til it was old news and all the other kids had already defeated Koopa and saved the Princess no I got Amy my sister. So that meant I either have to come up with creative forms of entertainment which usually would end in a whoopin or do what most redneck little girls from the county did during the summer season cut the grass. Now we werent like ya'll little city girls who got this nice box sized yard of grass infront of your house edged with sidewalk or flowerbeds if you were lucky we had country yards you know like football fields only not as green and no white lines to remind you whose yard to stay out of. On this particular Saturday afternoon I begged to be allowed to mow the lawn I wanted so bad to be able to drive the riding lawnmower. However like a drunk with one too many DUI's I was suspended from driving a lawnmower. I was suspended because I took out one too many of the nice flowers not the "inexpensive flowers" you know the yellow dandelions that my Nanny called the ones you didn't have to buy and plant yourself and as I later learned were weeds (I saw that on a Weedkiller commercial) I asked Papaw and he had confirmed that in fact dandelions were weeds and Nanny wouldn't know the difference from a weed or a bright red tulip. This would also explain why Papaw on several occasions got pissed off and mowed down Nanny's flowerbeds. So as I was saying I begged nagged pleaded to use the riding lawnmower Dad refused. He did finally give in and said "Sure you can use the riding lawnmower let your sister drive it since you've taken out one too many porch rail....YES! I DID HIT THE DAMN PORCH RAIL AND ALMOST DRAGGED DOWN THE TRAILER DOWN WITH IT once okay maybe twice but no one saw that other time I was trying to change my cassette tape over WHAM side 1 was getting boring! For God's sakes I was trying to cut down on my Dad's weedeating its hard to get close to the porch on that damn frankenstein riding lawnmower freakin refurbished and surgically reconstructed out of duct tape by Papaw and would it have killed somebody to purchase one with a more comfortable seat those dryrotted tears hurt like a bitch when you have on cutoffs  Geez! Anyways Amy was driving I was riding shotgun in the bitchseat and trust me I wasn't appreciating that at all. So Amy mowing all over the place all organized and not in the highest speed gear she could put it in damn Grandma driver if the thing had had a blinker Im sure she would have left that on for about two acres! As we were finishing up she decides that she's gotta get the edge along the field behind the trailer and she decides to take a short cut right under the clothesline. She continues on her pace and me who I would like to advise now (should have had parents that may have found it useful to put me on ADHD medication HELLO!) was in LaLa land as she goes under the line she doesn't even say duck or anything I get clotheslined literally. My head hit the first Green Metal clothesline doinnngg! then the next and I'm caught between the two as she's continuing to drive not noticing the fact I'm being hung I flail about trying to save my own life. I'm thinking damn I'm being hung out to dry and I'm not even going to make it to double digits. Amy can't hear me yelling due to the lawnmower and her intense need to complete tasks hence the reason she's the smart organized and well functioning adult that I'm not. Finally just before the feeling of unconsciousness occurred Dad comes running yelling for Amy to cut the engine and yes apparently fuel costs were also more important in this instance rather than the fact that my neck is now going to be abnormal looking like the rest of abnormal possibly retarded giraffe looking body was. Dad gets me down and I'm glad and now more motivated than ever to get some things marked off my "country bucket list" for instance if I hadn't escaped that damn failed attempt "accident" of an execution I would never gotten to see my name up in lights you know no Pungo boy would ever get to spray paint my name up on the light pole under the baseball field lights at Campbells Landing ballfield after falling madly in love with me for giving it up early out of boredom WHAT ?? did you think I meant Broadway! Sha! Hardly. Also if anyone's wondering if Amy was still allowed to operate heavy machinery for this industrial "accident" why of course she was cause it doesn't matter if ya lose one child as long as you still have a spare besides trailers lose their resale value if you don't have a porch.

Attack of the Billy Goat

My Dad is an electrician and back in the day he would help friends out when they needed work done he's a real helpful person. Often times he would take either my sister or myself with him to give Mom a break from us. On this occasion he went to help a friend who lived in a little shack like house off London Bridge road back before all the construction and new roadways were completed. The house was partially hidden by trees and her yard was a junky little farm area. It had a barb-wired fence and alot of construction debris laying around however I don't believe the house was actually under construction I just believe the people may have been some type of hoarders who knows. This particular day was not a very sunny day just kinda drab and had been raining on and off all morning long. Dad told me to sit in the car til he was done doing the electrical work. Before I had left the house I was excited because I got to wear my brand new Smurfs raincoat. I thought this coat was awesome it was light blue and kinda of metallic shiny. So I'm sitting in the car nosing through the glovebox hello did you think I wouldn't be snooping when given the chance. So Im getting kinda bored and I notice that this lady had a white billy goat just roaming free in the front yard near where our car was parked. I got the idea that I could lure it over to the car if I got out real quick to get a can. I figured I had seen on the cartoon Heathcliff that goats ate tin cans. So like a child panicked by Cujo (yes Nanny let me watch that movie at 6 years old) I darted from the drivers side of the car to the trash heap near the fence and ran back as quick as I could with an old rusty Tab can. So I climbed over to the passenger seat and rolled down the window and I dangled the can out of the window trying to get this goats attention. The goat stopped eating the weeds in the flowerbed and actually started walking towards me. I was geeked it was working for real but then it just stopped not close enough for me to pet it if I dared to let it near my hand. So I looked over to the house to see if Dad was watching or if anyone else could see me and they didn't not quite child neglect not quite attentive parenting. Then I made a break from the car and wearing my awesome Smurfs raincoat I ran up to the goat as fast as I could hoping to atleast pet it and then run right back to the car not letting anyone see me. However nothing ever goes as planned for me right as I got about 4 feet from the front of the car the billy goat stopped what he was doing looked at me and then put his head down and started charging at me like a mad bull. Before I even had chance to run with my back turned getting ready to make a break back to the car the billy goat slammed into the back of me using its little pointy horns and I was thrown and I hit the grill of the car thankfully not injured I started scrambling for the drivers side door and I jumped in. Looking around quickly thanking God no one saw that. I tried to brush the mud off of me so Dad wouldn't ask any questions or get mad at me for getting out of the car. When Dad returned of course he noticed I was covered in mud but he didn't get mad thank God he's an easy going guy. He said I believe you learned your own lesson about not following the rules and if you notice Melissa the goat ripped your Smurfs raincoat. Dad had seen it all. Lesson learned goats do like tin cans and apparently don't like Smurfs plus unless you wanna learn to master a rodeo for goodness sakes don't turn your back on a billy goat.

Ear...ristable

Back in the eighty's the whole family took a trip to a town called Kerr Dam. Don't ask me who chose that vacation destination. For crying out loud would it kill someone to take me to Disney World? So this trip was my family and my grandparents and of course cousin Bear who went everywhere with my Nanny I believe he was a tax write off. So we stay at this "luxury" hotel or was it a motel I'm really not sure what's the difference anyway valet vs. kids lugging the baggage into the room? So my family has there own room while my grandparents and cousin Bear stay in the room next door. Most of the family was already downstairs enjoying the cement pond and catching some sun. My Nanny was in her room getting changed from her "car riding" clothes aka loose britches. Myself and cousin Bear were both out on the balconies I was on my balcony he was on his balcony anyone see a problem with that? For all my friends and family who know me they know I have Dumbo ears well they are inherited from my Papaw's side of the family hence the reason my cousin Bear also has rather large Dumbo ears and honestly I'm not sure if he still does his head may have caught up with them by now. So I'm chilling on my balcony talking to Bear through the bars between the two balconies. Then that little devil on my left shoulder (its the left cause the left is where all evil comes from hello it ain't right) reared it's ugly but hilarious head. So that little devil whispered in my Dumbo ear and it was processed by my crazy little creative brain. I thought to myself I wonder exactly how far would Bear go if I instructed him to do something "creative" but not illegal of course? That's when the idea struck me like a drunk driver on the wrong on the wrong side of the road. I said "hey Bear wanna come over and hang out in my room maybe watch some t.v. eat some stolen cheetos from my sisters beach bag?" Bear replies "Sure" he goes to turn for the doorway. That's when I say "No slip through the bars you'll fit". He says "Are you sure?" I say "Yeah! and you don't wanna disturb Nanny while she's getting dressed right?" He says "Ok". I can barely contain myself at this point he's actually going to do what I asked he's not even going to question it's safety or embarrassment level for that matter. So as I slip back on my balcony to give him some room he quickly slides his head in between the bars just as something distracts him I believe he got spooked by a family member that was being too loud down at the concrete swimming hole. So he goes to quickly jerk his head back through the bars to his side of the balcony and I look at him he looks like a chimpaneze stuck in the bars now his large ears forced forward while his face was smooshed. He is totally stuck no I mean completely stuck! He starts to panic as I laugh however I hear Nanny coming like a charging bull towards the balcony I quickly switch from laughter to panic and pretending to assist him out of his "stupid" idea. He struggles and struggles trying to hurry before he gets in trouble. The ruckus is not yet noticeable from where we are YET! Just then my Nanny jumps out of the balcony doorway like Molly Shannon yelling "SUPERSTAR" but she's not in a Catholic school girl outfit she's in her vacation pants and her Brazere! For ya'll non country folks that's her BRA! Now she's panicking I have to step into my room after she screams at me to find the sunscreen and I'm like damn she's in a hurry to get a suntan. Every family member down at the pool including every other vacationer with bad enough taste to opt for this hotel looked up to see what was wrong and saw my Nanny trying to yank a little boy through the balcony bars wearing her BRA. At this point I'm seriously going to explode if I don't find a place to let this laughter out so I dart back into my room covering my mouth trying to hold back the laughter as I pretend to look for sunscreen, aloe anything slippery! Just as I get to the middle of the room my Mom yanks me up and asks "what the hell is going on MELISSA?" and yes Melissa is the key word in any sentence or question involving me and trouble they go hand and hand. She's drags me back out onto the balcony where they are lubing Bear's ears, neck, head, face wherever they could squirt him trying to free him. My Mom asks Bear "Hun how did this happen?" He's teary eyed looking like a wounded hound dog. He says in his boo-hooy little voice "Misse told me to come over to her room". My Nanny says "Why didn't ya use the God Damn door?" They all stare at me as I stood there calculating my next response then I said "Uh I asked him to come over but um I didn't tell him to go through the bars." My Mom gave me the "You better fucking run for your life look" and I ran for my room locking myself in the bathroom trying to find something to spray in my eyes to make it look like I was crying. I hear people yelling Call the Fire Department we can't get him out Jesus. Then right as someones trying to call 911 and another family member is scaring him to death by saying we're gonna have to cut them suckers off! POP his head and ears are FREE. They managed to free him by pressing one Dumbo ear down as flat against his face as they could and there was now no need for the fire department darn it no lights and sirens what a boring boring day. I'm still sitting here with the ability to type this blog so you have realized I survived the asswhooping and I'm able to pass on this story and maybe remind my cousin Bear of this embarrassment so he can relive it again. Moral of the story never try to slip through the bars of a balcony when instructed by a family member who very may one day end up behind bars herself wait I don't look good in bright orange but Bear's face looks good in RED!

Church Actresses Puppets Same Difference

This is another church function that I was volunteered forcefully to participate in just because if my sister had to participate well that means I had to go along for the ride weather I liked it or not. Apparently my family doesn't give a damn whether or not I have severe stage fright. This is a picture of a Christmas play we were in back in 1986. If you would direct your eyes to the back row the girl in pink also in hiding is me. Yes the one with the flower in here hair hello I believe Nici Nash stole my style geez did Mom like to play dress up with me or something. My sister is the show off in the front row with the lovely red skirt pulled up to her boobies just about and the Mary Janes with knee socks fashionable combo there am I right? Notice she also has a flower in her hair biting off my style again!

Today I'm actually going to tell you about the play at church I will forever refer to as the "Puppet Master" play. By now you may have noticed a theme where I didn't wish to participate in these functions and my sister on the other hand died to be in the midst of stardom. I honestly believe if they would have let her preach to the church she would have! So we had a play where the theme was sorta the breaking news of Christs resurrection. Jim Kincaid ( I just totally showed my age there) was a guest star where he was on video doing the intro for a newscast where he turned the news story over to my sister the "News reporter".  I was designated to be an ANGEL someone must of thought that was funny I'm so lucky I didn't recieve 3rd degree burns when that costume was put against my demon skin. Anyways so I had to stand up above the stage on a wooden plank carefully balanced over the baptism pool tub whatever you call it...I had one line to say one stinking little line that I attempted to memorize for a week agonizing over screwing that up. My sister however had probably every line in the play. So after my sister does her lines it's my part they point the spot light on me when it's time for me to say my one line here's my chance here I go. I open my mouth to say the words when I apparently had an out of body experience not to mention another Amy induced embarrassment. My control wannabe be movie star freak sister said my line as I lip sync'd my line as she spoke. Do you think the church didn't notice that I was talking like a puppet with my sister controlling me like a dummy. Well of course they all noticed how freakin cute is my sister? All I needed was a monicle and a freakin top hat shove a hand up my ass and I'm apparently your dummy.

Pull Me

Hmm....My chickas like to make me paranoid. So tonight looking my snazziest rockin my Oklahoma jersey and my unintentionally skinny jeans I feel the presence of a rival gang member behind me. My chickas got hookups and I don't fit in cause I don't got "Shiny Shoes".Yes! VB's finest gang it's the Po-Po riding a little too close behind my hotwheels. So I'm trying to eat my sandwich, drinking an energy drink, and blaring "I'm in Love wit a Stripper" with the glass rolled down I notice them in my "watch yo back viewer". I start to wonder has one of my chickas set me up for a "Pull yo shit over Yo"? Then I try my hardest not to drive like my usual ADHD self and I turn my music up and continue wit my "patrol roll" that's my lazy drivin style the not quite perfect driving school ettiquette not quite DUI qualification til I get right infront of work and as usual Po-Po's attention is diverted easily his home base right across the street from my homebase we part going our own separate ways HaHa I make my escape again. Or maybe he just wanted to finish hearing the rest of "I'm in Love wit a Stripper"?????? ADHD moment wouldn't it be funny if an officer pulled ya over on a traffic stop and walked up to the window with a can of Pepsi and a can of Coke and then said "Would you like to participate in the Pepsi Challenge?" or better yet walk up casually to the window with your screw up your savings account ticket book then look at the driver and say "OH SHIT" and take off running back to the car? That shit would be funny anyone wanna let me do a ride-along I swear I'll behave. :) Peace Out Ya'll

EA for an I

Everyone can be juvenile especially when it comes to revenge sometimes. If you grew up watching the Cosby show you and your husband may have forgiven each other, said a prayer and kissed each other goodnight afterwards but not on the Banks show. After waking up the other day to find that my ECPI dropout of an "insignificant" other deleted my entire I-tunes file one would understand if they know me why I would be so pissed. I had downloaded every CD I have ever collected since the time I was 8 years old onto that file and then sold off the hard copies. So as my act of revenge I deleted his entire memory card for his little football game on his PS3 great idea well until he chooses not to get his drink on and play football til right before I leave for work tonight. So yesterdays argument had already ended and we agreed to drop it or I mean he did since I was working the silent treatment angle while he was quarantined to the shed. Then right as I'm getting ready to head out the door for work I hear the NFL Madden PS3 startup and then realize I'm the one whose about to make a touchdown......then a very loud "MIZDAMEANOR"! rang out as I started running for my truck like winning the Marital Superbowl was my only goal in life! TOUCHDOWN! I win this game now for the season who knows but I'm hoping he gets traded to another team! That's right and EA-games for an I-tunes baby!

Training Day

I love the movie Training Day it will turn.....er....your life around. I love this movie cause Denzel was a bad ass cop and boy did he know how to have fun training. This is is my rookies training day evaluation.

Name: D.B. Rookie
Trainer: Mizdameanor B.

General Appearance: I got dressed today didn't I?
Attitude towards Career: Where's my paycheck? No really where is my paycheck?
Attention to duty: Huh? What hey look theres a chicken!
Decision making ability: Apparently none I filled out an application for this place!
Mental Status: Before or after you started training me?
Radio Ear: 10-4
Ability to talk, eat and wipe my own ass not in that specific order: check

Things to work on: red marker and want ads

10 Year Confiscation

In Pungo one of the only times you see all the locals head out to celebrate is when the carnival comes to town and no I don't mean my family reunions. It's the Pungo Strawberry Festival. However just like most of my family reunions the only thing to do there is get drunk or get arrested when our then 1 "Barney Fife" found you. On this particular trip to the Strawberry Festival I convinced my Uncle Kenny to buy me a homemade "Johnny Pop" my mom would never have bought me one she didn't like us playing with toy weapons he was the cool Uncle. For anyone that was priviledged enough to shop at a Toys R Us you may have never heard of such a toy. This is a real redneck weapon. A "Johnny Pop" is a small piece of PVC pipe with a dowel rod for a handle and the ammo is a cork on a string attached to the end of the PVC pipe. This one was awesome it was bright green and white. To use a "Johnny Pop" you would pull the dowel rod back sliding it out of the PVC pipe to draw in air into the pipe then you would push the dowel rod back in to shoot the cork out hitting whatever you were aiming at mind you it had to be at close range. My sister stayed home that year so only my cuz "Bear" and I got a "Johnny Pop" and I couldn't wait to get this weapon home and trust me I had a motive ready!
My Cousin and I were sitting in the back of my Papaw's F-150 don't panic it was parked, and parked pickup equals lawn furniture. My sister climbed into the back of the truck with us while my cuz and I shot off the "Johnny Pops" like a couple of rednecks at a teenage cousins wedding. Then I took my opportunity I moved forward with my criminal plan. I waited for my sister to sit down across from me then POP! I shot her right in the face right beneath her eye. You don't even have to ask of course she started screaming Damn Drama Queen. Mom confiscated my "Johnny Pop" and I got an Asswhooping to add to my punishment my crybaby sister got to select my switch from the Azalea bush.
Mom believed in torture not "grounding" so she took my "Johnny Pop" not for a day, not even a week but for 10 years! On the 10th year and 1 day I got the "Johnny Pop" back from the land of confiscation not the marsh where my Hula Hoop and wagon went where they never returned (yes they also can be used as weapons duh) but from the top of the refrigerator behind the elephant cookie jar. And on that 10th year and 1 day I immediately walked outside ignoring the threat of losing it again and violating my probation I again shot my sister in the face! You think she would learn to freaking duck by now after 10 years and don't forget 1 day apparently 10 years doesn't make someone wiser. I never saw my "Johnny Pop" again Oh well it's back to Lawn Darts and trust me I'm skilled at that game plus it's easier to make a bad throw look like an accident. Several years later my Mom would be a smartass and buy my boys their very own "Safe" version of the "Johnny Pop" the boys opened their gifts and I found the so called "Safe Johnny Pop" knockoffs. However these damn things shot marshmallows WTF is this supposed to be snack time on the battlefield C'mon. Like my theory on Awesome weapons I mean toys they are only as fun at their AMMO!

Not So Rosy at Roses

Anyone who had parents on a budget or just parents with bad taste they probably shopped at Roses they were famous for BoBo shoes and clothes that cost 4 bucks a piece for a reason. On this particular day at the Roses my whole family was drug out for the usual shopping outing it must of been payday. I wanted a pair of fake oakley's these ones were bright green and purple and I knew that I could probably get away with forging a Oakley logo on them to make the kids at school think I could afford them since everyone was rocking them and I wanted them badly! I begged my Mom for these sunglasses that mind you only cost 7 dollars. I of course told her that I would pay her back when I got home and she called my bluff knowing damn well I didn't have 7 dollars and so she said after giving me a lecture about always leaving my "pretend money" at home that I would have to pay her back with interest which really didn't bother me I would have probably just stolen the money to pay her back right out of her purse anyway hey I didn't have a job at 11 years old and I surely wasn't gonna stand in the unemployement line. So she shot me down after 30 mins of begging so I went out to the bench infront of the store anyone sensing a theme of where I ended up everytime I was allowed out in the public? So I'm pouting on the bench outside and my sister was told to go sit with me while my Mom checked out. My sister sat there annoying the shit out of me so I popped her one right in the back of the head. When I did this my stupid sister thinking she was funny decided to yell out, "Mom why do you always have to beat me" in a pathetic voice. Now I was pretty tall for an 11 year old but I surely didn't think I would pass for an adult much less a mother of an 8 year old. This lady pushing her cart out of the store with her little kid in the cart she yelled at me and said "You should be ashamed of yourself, I'm good mind to call CPS on you hitting your youngin' like that" I just sat there and waited for this scarey busy body to push her cart out to her Ghetto bus of a Van. Then I punched the shit out of my sister and said "I'll show you a beating you little brat". So when you are in "low class" stores beware of beating your children before you make it to the car where you can't be seen because I guarantee you that some Fat Lady that escapes her trailer park will judge you on your parenting skills even if you are 11 years old because apparently pre-teen pregnancy is possible and you aren't allowed to beat your kids for acting a fool!

Decorator Dad

This is my dollhouse not any dollhouse a designer dollhouse designed and constructed by my dad. Not all girls are lucky enough to have such a great dad but add a dad with decorating flare and you get what you say? Well awesome barbie doll condos of course! When my sister and I asked for dollhouses after years of being told that the Babie Dreamhouse was just too expensive my dad secretly designed and built this over the top lavish doll condo for my christmas gift. He made one for my sister also but just between you and I not to brag but my dollhouse was bigger and better fit for a Barbie not a little set of bear and rabbit dolls Lincoln Logs would have been just as suitable for those dolls. As you can see this is actually a two-story condo that includes wall-to-wall carpeting in a neutral tone of course, designer wallpaper (left overs from dad's supply), it even has a roof top patio. It's a five bedroom 1 bathroom (including a hot tub) all amenities included package. Just look at that nice master bedroom with a walk out terrace you know any skipper would be jealous. As you can see my barbies truely loved their new surroundings better than just having furniture sitting out on my bedroom floor it's hard to pretend your barbies are living the party lifestyle when the dang cat keeps knocking em over the very moment you get every piece set up and Barbie dressed for her date with Ken! Anyways at the time that I had recieved this totally cool make all the other girls in class jealous dollhouse I had no idea that my dad would later do the lifestyle math for me and 2 and 2 would equal me having two dads in my future. I guess at that point in my life I not only didn't understand "Life Math" I also apparently I didn't and still don't know how to decorate a house as well as my Dad!

Gag Order

Freedom of Speech is stated in the 1st and 14th amendment of the Constitution of the United States to express information, ideas and opinions free of government restrictions based on content.

Censorship is the act of changing or suppressing speech or writing that is considered subversive of the common good.

Liberty to express opinions and ideas without hinderance and especially without the fear of punishment.

Now you may be wondering why I'm discussing these very important historical facts well it's because I've been censored. I am not allowed to express myself, draw cartoons, say what I want to say, and apparently I'm not allowed to just fucking be me!

What next will the bible be blacklisted from the office will your religious rights be banned because someone is afraid to see or read the gospels of Jesus Christ. Should or will someone remove the religious pamplets from my desk because I don't want a solicitation for salvation. Should I not be able to get pissed and say Jesus Fucking Christ do you know his middle name God only knows.

Can't people just chose not to read what already has a "Warning Label" at the top of the page, can't people just take the stick out of their ass long enough to ignore the paper that they don't wanna read. My God don't try to relax or read something funny OH FUCKING WAIT (parton my offensive french) here's a definition you may need to be aware of, Uptight: being tense, nervous or uneasy angry indignant, rigidly conventional (Misse's definition people who suck the life out of me)

How about your old lady magazine More, that discusses and quote "Cougars and MILF's", Wait I saw a bellybutton, Hormone therapy (just because your'e sweating doesn't mean you need to sweat me) and for God's sake those Poise pad ads do I need to know you require a mattress because if you sneeze you will pee. Wait in the Animal Magazine it talks about breeding and I saw oh no! a story about beaver dams (coochies and the curse word dam don't count). How about North American Fishing...boring but does discuss the art of hooking up and contains Viagra ads to help with that hooking up problem. Us magazine shows clevage, camel toe and G-S Christ Mom jeans. Even the Running magazine shows a man without his shirt and short shorts and article on page 83 titled Wild Things Knead and squeeze is this a new handjob technique. Don't forget ladies your Redbook magazine has pictures of bras, wait theirs a pic of Ellen if you are scared of alternative lifestyles and hey don't forget Julia Louis Dreyfus likes it hot says one writer and who needed their sex questions answered chocolate, whipped cream whose making a sundae. I also saw an ad for a Trojan Vibrating Personal Massager 19.99 (if that's worth 19.99 holla at me if ya think so)

When I was 8 years old I invented my own form of sign language sitting at my dinner table and not so happy with my mom's conversation I decided to show her a sign I'd like to share with all the haters tonight it's called "the Unicorn" hold your hand up and stick up your middle finger turn to the left doesn't that look like a unicorn well there ya go. There are 2 things I believe in Not being Censored and the Majestic UNICORN hows that for offensive.

Drippy Torture

As you may have figured out by now my sister was the victim of most of my torture. She was an easy target when she was little just too nice of a kid for me. She was definately a tattle-tail and I made sure to get her back any chance I could. One several occasions I decided to try and make her believe she was slowly going crazy by carrying out one of my forms of slow torture on her. We of course shared a bedroom and we had our bunk beds separated (I'll explain that reasoning on another blog) and they sat approximately 3 feet away from each other one on each side of the room. Amy had a sorta sleep disorder which I will deny that I had anything to do with that so on this particular night I decided to carry out one of my master plans. I lay in my bed while she was trying to get to sleep since we had school in the morning when I decided to do what I like to refer to as the "Drip Drip Torture treatment" this is where I made this little dripping sound a very faint tick tick sound I made with my tongue. Amy heard this sound and told me to stop and I was like "what are you talking about" she said "that noise" I again was like "what noise? I don't hear anything". She said "you are making that noise on purpose", "stop it or I'm telling". I said "You are losing it I don't know what you are hearing" I don't hear anything how strange how the drip drip sound stops while I spoke. Then she yelled down the hall to Mom. Mom comes down the runway and said "both of you be quiet and go to sleep". Amy said "Mom she's making a noise with her mouth just to annoy me". I bolted up in bed and said "I have no idea what's she hearing but I'm not making a sound for God's sake I'm trying to get to sleep". Mom repeated herself and said "Go to bed now" and walked back out of the room where at the very second she got out of the doorway I started again this went on for atleast 30 minutes. Amy was so annoyed at this point that she was pretending to ignore me. I finally realized that it wasn't bothering her as much anymore so I quit and went to sleep all the time dreaming of my form of torture and how easily she was disturbed as I lay there dreaming of the "Drip Drip" Amy got the last laugh that night when my dreams of this noise triggered me to wet the bed and while I was getting the "empty your bladder before you go to sleep" speech from Mom the next morning Amy of course had to add the tee hees behind Mom's back as the speech continued while she was changing my penquin sheets and I rushed to take my bath before I went to school. Amy again I owe you for probably 10 more co-payments at the therapists office.

Entrance Songs

I wrote these so please don't steal em and call them your own I'm the freaking creative one.

These are pieces of songs that pop into your mind when you are entering a room or involved in certain situations.

Firefighter entering a burning mattress factory: "the beds are burning" (Midnight Oil)

Traffic cop walking up to a car window with a driver asking "How'd you know how fast I was driving?" answer "...on the radar baby" (Britney Spears)

911 dispatcher exiting the office: "911 is a joke in this town..."

Village person telling a grouchy fat lady where to go during an argument: "YMCA"

Stressed out prositute to the John laying on a "vibrating bed" at the Motel 6: "Let it bump" (Missy Elliott)

Therapist entering his office to a waiting juvenile ADHD patient: "Momma said Knock you out!" (LL Cool J)

Co-worker called to the office by a supervisor again: "here I go again on my own"

Ex wife to Ex husband (a.k.a) jackass: "I fucking hate you" (Three days Grace)

Intoxicated driver answering a cop who asks "How much have you had to drink tonight sir?": "1 bourbon...."

High school student before the court explaining his excuse for having an affair with his teacher: "I'm hot for teacher"

Repeat Offenders excuse to the judge: "Oops I did it again" (Britney Spears)

Disgruntled employee to her bitchy supervisor: "take this job and shove it"

Priest to a catholic choir boy: "when I think about you I touch myself" (straight to hell I go)

Baby daddy explaining who did the damage to his Honda Civic: "Baby Mama..."

Robbery suspect #1 to Running Robbery suspect #2: "Drop it like its hot"

Sex addict to his therapist when he asks "where is the last place you had sex think back?": " I once got busy in a burger king bathroom" (Digital Underground)

Cheating boyfriend to his suspicious girlfriend who asks "who you been fucking?" "Only you...." (Biz Markie)

911 dispatcher to the winded expectant father to his wife about to give birth at the house: "Just breathe..." (Faith Hill)

Really horny dude to the stripper: "baby let me shake your peaches"

Desperate chick bee-lining it to thru the crowded club to get to the dude ordering "Top Shelf" liquor at the bar: "move bitch get out the way"

Stoned dead head to the dude saying "who ate my cheetos?": "Puff the Magic Dragon..."

My reply to " What the hell is wrong with her?": Insane in the membrane"  (Cypress Hill)

Mom washing her teenage sons sheets: "these dreams are made of?"

Sperm that makes it to the egg: "We are the champions"

Picky male inmate explaining his ideal "Cell Mate": "I like big butts..."

Excuse for Britney Spears traffic accidents: "Poparatizi" (Lady Gaga)

Forgetful Elderly patient to his nurse: "Remember when?"

Man after his vascetomy to his wife who asks "can I get you anything dear?": Ice Ice Baby..." (Vanilla Ice)

Impatient John at the grand opening of his neighborhood whorehouse: "you don't have to turn on the red light"

Plastic surgeon to lady denied a boob job for her saggy boobies: "you got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em"

Chocolatier returning to his candy shop after leaving his employee who decides to have sex while he is out: " I smell sex and candy" (Marcy's Playground)

Just to give a few examples LMAO!

Word

This is the definition of a condition that we all suffer from well unless you work for a library.

Stress: is defined as mental, emotional, or physical strain caused e.g. by anxiety or overwork. It may cause such symptoms as raised blood pressure or depression.

Misse's definition: lifes dose of bullshit, annoying people, mandatory overtime, disapearing paycheck, hyperactive children, family members you would like to shake from your tree, kids that say "buy me that", ex dumbasses wait I mean ex-husbands, oh and don't forget ex's new wish they were significant others, mothers any type of mothers, stepmothers, motherfuckers, bill collectors (I swear I mailed that check), car problems cause all you could afford was the truck that had been involved in a shoot-out yes the bullets hit the motor not just the side panels plus when you answered the car salesman when he asked "how's your credit?" whoops maybe I should'nt have said I was the victim of identity theft, last but not least having to spend your "stripper tips" on co-payments to the therapist and for your overpriced prescriptions cause the pharmacist at the Rite Aid says your insurance doesn't cover Xanex and you're gonna have to settle for some brand that is spelled using all of the letters in the alphabet.

Solution: drink more alcohol, follow your doctors medication recommedations and try I said try not to mix the two.

One of My Favs Check it out

I discovered this guy named Bo Burnham about a year ago on U-tube he's since made it pretty big on Comedy Central even releasing his own Cd a few months back. I of course purchased it. Go to the bottom of my screen to utilize the U-tube link type in Bo Burnham "Rehab for Fictional Characters" be advised however it is perverted and sorta Adult themed so sensitive viewers beware. Enjoy and relieve some stress by catching a fit of laughter. Peace!

Easter is banned

Easter is banned. I am not allowed to participate. I am hyperactive and therefore I am not allowed to have sugar. I am not a member of Peta but I've been told "Never hurt any animal" so I'm not allowed to bite rabbits. Easter is a religious holiday so there goes alcohol consumption well except that little shot glass of wine they serve during communion wait I should take two pieces of christ I skipped breakfast (I'm a christian that's a joke peeps) wait I must be lost how did I end up in church did the cops that arrested me for being drunk in public last night drop me off at the wrong address or maybe I was yelling "Go to hell" 1 too many times. Easter egg hunts are pointless and tiring ever tried to find eggs in a trailer park do you know how many pieces of junk I mean lawn ornaments are in the front yard. Besides Egg hunts are just a way of parents keeping sugared upped children busy while they sit on the front porch drinking their 40's I kid I was told that was orange juice not Mad Dog. Ok I confess I've had some Candy and now I'm hyper hence the reason I'm blogging about Easter. Like I said before Easter is a religious holiday so observe the holiday and don't cross me, if I'm lost save me, I'm not skinny dipping (I could'nt find my karate uniform) in your backyard pool I'm performing a baptism on myself I figured I can't wait til christmas to confess my sins and it's probably wrong to ask to be saved especially since I've been told and I believed it was confirmed by a pastor (who performed my exorcism) I'm a heathen but atleast I'm a heathen with a Cadbury egg.

It's Easter....feeling sorta religious

                                                       "Misses 10 Commandments"
                                                         (For Office Use Only)

1.) Thou Shall not say anything out loud you do not want repeated. (See Commandment #9)

2.) Thou Shall not carry a communication device in the communication center (i.e. cellphone).

3.) Thou Shall not yell Ma'am! Ma'am! unless someone is backing over you with her car in the parking lot.

4.) Thou Shall not talk so quietly that an eavesdropper (such as myself) can not hear you.(Ref back to Commandment #1)

5.) Thou Shall never answer a supervisor when she/he asks "Do you have something to tell me?"      quickly. (Think First)

6.) Thou Shall not yell at your callers so that the whole room knows there is an illegally parked vehicle in the cul-de-sac.

7.) Thou Shall not snitch on another co-worker unless you would like to be voted off the island...immediately!

8.) Thou Shall never mistake a lazy I mean "seasoned" employee for a rookie.

9.) Thou Shall never say "Crazy Bitch" in the office since all work with be at a standstill due to just about every co-worker looking around searching for their name caller.

10.) Thou Shall never take anything so damn seriously...well except what you actually get paid to do....your job!

Pregnant at Five

One day I hit the yard sales with my Mom and my Nanny at one of the sales I found this awesome 60's dollhouse and of course since my parents ignored my request for a barbie dreamhouse every freaking christmas I had to have it. It didn't quite have all of it's pieces but it fit a barbie so that worked for me. I took this dollhouse home and while I was popping out the attached furniture in it I had found just under the snap in dining room table a little plastic baby it was very small like smaller than the size of a mini tootsie roll. I treasured this little baby and I played with it all the time I even carried it in my pocket when I went to school I really loved this little baby especially since the baby Jesus I stole from my grandmas nativity scene was confisicated I didn't share it with anyone. My sister apparently was jealous of my motherly relationship with this little baby and she would always ask to play with it and of course I didn't like to share its one of my finer qualities this way you don't lose things to people that don't know how to return things. Well, I guess my sister didn't care about my rule about not sharing because she snuck my little baby out of my dollhouse while I was outside playing in the driveway. I came into the house at the edge of dark and noticed that my little baby had been kidnapped I searched the dollhouse and couldn't find it anywhere what kind of parent was I leaving my baby in the house alone. Then I heard it...the sound of my sister playing in the bathtub. I heard her playing with our plastic people and mermaids that we kept in the tub and sure enough my little baby was in the tub with her. I ran into the bathroom and saw her cradling my little baby in a washcloth like I had put it up for adoption or something I don't know maybe she thought she was CPS and decided to take my baby how dare she when I was still recovering from the loss of poor baby Jesus. I yelled at her to give it back and tried to snatch it from her when she did it...I was unable to save my baby from her. She quickly shoved my little baby into her mouth! Then I slapped her on the back telling her to spit it out. She then stared at me with her eye bugging when she quickly opened her mouth and held out her tongue. GE-S-Christ she swallowed my little baby,my slap had caused her to choke it down...my five year old sister was pregnant with my little baby it would be a story similiar to my little baby Jesus (god rest his soul) how could she do this take another baby from me. I was so mad! I yelled for my Mom whom I might add seemed to think this was funny did she think that at 8 years old I wasn't responsible enough to be a baby momma yet my five year old sister was fit to carry a child at such a young age. I looked at Mom waiting for an answer or atleast waiting to see my sister get a Ass-whooping abortion. My Mom's response...she said "you'll get it back tomorrow" it took me a few seconds to realize what she meant she wanted me to wait til my sister pooped it out...then I realized the explaination that my cousin "Pig Pen" gave me about where babys come from was true...Mom's did poop out their babies! Amy just laughed about this situation as I remained pissed and stomped back to my room knowing damn well that I wasn't rescuing my baby from the floater in the toilet. I lost another baby to the system.....the sewer system!

Wet Prayers

This is the story about the day I wished I had never showed up at church I really should have faked sick or slept in. I attended usually by force the Church of Christ at Creeds and my sister was very devoted to church from a very young age she never missed church not even on Wednesday nights. My sister even cared about my salvation so much she after church in the summer would try to perform her own baptisms on me in the backyard swimming pool she always would say she was "making sure I didn't go where the devil lived". On this particular morning we arrived at church Mom, Amy and myself (the apparent heathen) and sat in the usual spot about the middle of the church seating area. Normally just before the preachers ending prayer and song he would ask the congregation if anyone had a prayer request and they would raise their hands or call out that they did. This was the day that my sister at age 5 decided to voice her prayer she raised her hand (not shyly either) and said she had a prayer request. In front of the whole church the preacher asked her who she needed to pray for and she said "My sister" and of course she was too far into this request for my mom to silence her. She told the preacher and the congregation that "she would like to pray for her sister who WETS THE BED". I was mortified and my mother was so embarrassed the entire church laughed quietly and the preacher tried to spare my feelings by getting the church day over and my family walked out of  the church to the pianist final song. My mother let Amy have it when she got to the car and Amy said "what? I was just making a prayer request just as if nothing happened just as if she was praying for a sick person". Apparently on this day my sister wasn't so much concerned about my salvation as she was about my bed sheets. Hopefully my sister will get her angel wings one day and I will get one point taking off my heathen meter for the public humilation.

"TeaBagged"

Ha! Ya'll dirty minded readers actually thought I was gonna discuss something sexual aww hell nah. This is the story of Misse the dorky 2nd grader and the reason why she does not like to participate in any organized sports or co-ed events. All throughout elementary school there was a boy whom I will call "He-Man" and even in kindergarten he could have given Sammy Sosa a run for his money when it came to all things sports. I on the other hand hated Gym would often fake sick to avoid it and try my best not to get picked for anything other than the line for the nurse to check me for scleosis (sometimes even hunching over while looking lost near the line just to get the nurses attention). On this particular day we were scheduled to have what our gym teacher referred to as "FUN DAY" fun hell we had to play "CRAB JOLLY BALL". This game if you never were so honored to play consists of all the children in the class sitting in a huge circle with their shoes off. Then there was the ball not just any ball a marble for Godzilla this ball was about 4 foot across and don't ask me to figure out the diameter on that I also hated math class. Anyway the players would sit in the circle and use their feet to kick the ball to the other areas of the circle trying to knock the ball out of the circle inturn eliminating the player that missed the ball. Well the game had been going on for about all of 10 minutes and I was extremely nervous I kept praying to myself please God let the fucking ball go somewhere other than near me. Well then I notice that "He-Man" had control of the ball and yep you guessed it i'm directly across from him in the circle. He kicks the ball if that word could actually describe the strength in which that damn ball was hurled at me. I sat there getting ready to just duck and say the hell with it when I realized I just didn't have time to escape it so to my terror in the 2nd grade I seriously "GOT TEABAGGED" by a GIANT BALL full force to the face knocking me backwards while everyone froze in fear and my life ages newborn through 7 years old flashed before me. Then silence. I awoke on the floor with teachers trying to wake me up and I heard them saying hold on theres an ambulance coming I was unconsicious not only had I been Teabagged by "He-Man" I was knocked out like an alcoholic on a holiday. I had slammed my head so hard on the gym floor they thought I...as 1 teacher put it split my head open like a pun-kin. The best thing that actually came out of this story was that I was able to milk that head injury into NO P.E. for 3 days thanks to "He-Man". Public Service Announcement: To all the Moms and Dads out there talk to your children about the dangers of "TeaBagging" this problem doesn't just happen amongst the teenage community it's happening in the rural county elementary school systems too. So talk to your sons and daughters give them advice on how to avoid a "ball" to the face or better yet teach em how to handle a ball to the face gracefully its very important and if we can just prevent 1 dorky redneck girl from being "Teabagged" early in life it will make a world of difference.

Out of Order

When I was fourteen and living in the county where there was absolutely nothing to do except to get into trouble I would usually volunteer to ride to the grocery store with my Nanny and Papaw. The ride to the Farm Fresh from where we lived it took about 50 minutes to get there especially at the safe speed limit that my Papaw would drive that and he was usually busy having a verbal dispute with Nanny while he drove instead of putting the pedal to the metal. It never failed that my Nanny would sing along to WCMS driving Papaw to the brink of his sanity apparently because about 10 minutes into the ride he would lose it and yell "would you shut it Bobby?" and of course my Nanny being stubborn (that may explain my temperament) would not stop singing until a song came on that she didn't know. Anyways I digress when I was fourteen I thought I was such a hottie so of course I would wear the usual "Dukes of Hazard" type summer attire and for you smart asses I don't mean a flannel I dressed like a girl sometimes. So my Nanny goes into the grocery store taking her time as usual while I sat on the bench near the bubble gum machines and I noticed three city skater boys outside near the Coke machine. So I put my best strut on (i'm now being told by friends that it was actually my "Dork Strut") when leaving the store lagging behind my Nanny who was pushing her cart to the truck so the city boys wouldn't see me with my grandparents. Well I noticed that they were staring at me from where they were standing and I was like "OMG they think I'm hot" well of course no such luck for me because just as I realized my Nanny had slowed down to get my attention while I was only paying attention to the boys I was informed ever so loudly what they were staring at......they were freaking staring at the "OUT OF ORDER" sign that was stuck to my butt. Apparently I had sat too close to the broken bubble gum machine and managed to sit on the sign that fell off and was conviently sitting on the bench. Now not only was I not a Hottie, and I was not cool for being with my grandparents these dudes thought my butt was out of order
GEES-S-Christ!!!!!

The Great Boobie Dilemas

Today I'm gonna discuss Boobies that's right ladies and gentlemen (I mean boys) boobies. Here's my discussion about Boobies and how man must be designing bras for them. So there are numerous types of boobie holdsters let's discuss a few. First there is the V-front bra this bra for some reason when ever you are wearing it you might as well let one hang loose because it never fails a nip is always gonna fly freely when you are laying on the couch or trying to do housework. It never fails whenever you are bending over to pick up toys or mopping the floor one of your pointed suction cups will pop out and there's no use popping it back in til you're done with your chores since its inevitable that ones gonna jump right back out. Then there is the infamous sports bra which I don't know who thought of this one supposedly you are suppose to wear this while working out or running which neither of these do I commit myself to doing. So when this bra is worn on other occasions like hitting the bar or lounging around the house, or a quick sprint to the grocery store you might as well give up looking like you have a set of 20 year old funbags because if you are over thirty or a little on the "not-petite" size it will just look like you dropped a toddler in your shirt head first yes thats right I call it the "baby butt fashion" so instead of cleavage you if wearing your "juicy" jogging pants with this contraption you will have two cracks which then someone would be allowed to call you a butthead and get away with it. Then there is the "comfort fit" bra that has a "closed front suffocation device" supposedly to hold your knicky knack knockers in and make you walk with better posture that doesn't work either since if you are used to slouching you will find a way to have bad posture anyway. This device causes you to suffocate or have a handlebar on your back and of course it's not fashionable since you will have what I like to call the "Uni-boob" and hey if you only want to look like you have one by all means wear this just remember that looking like you have one boob will not lead people to believe you have lost weight. So that's my 15 minute gripe for today so ladies be smart and proud of what ya were blessed with let those ba-doob-a doobs roam free maybe it will rain while you are out on the town so people will give ya a prize for winning the on the spur of the moment wet t-shirt contest and don't worry about making a fashion statement just let em hang free and scare the children into wearing the appropriate ladies under apparel.

Stage Fright

This is the story of the time I was forced to perform in a christmas play against my will when I was 5 years old. I got up infront of the whole church to say a line from our little christmas play. I was so shy yes I was shy believe it or not. I got so embarrassed and red in the face that instead of running off the stage to hide my face I pulled my little red dress up over my head exposing my undies to everyone. Note to all parents or parents to be the moral of this story don't force your children to do things that will embarrass them because they inturn will embarrass you.

Snake Evacuation

One day in the summer my mother was in the kitchen preparing to cook fried chicken. The rest of the family was scattered about the house as usual doing their own things. Mom was looking for her electric skillet so she reached in the cabinet under the sink pulling out the skillet part but having difficulty locating the cord to the skillet. So she's in the middle of squatting down reaching further back into the cabinet to find this cord when she finally found the cord or what she thought was the cord she held up her hand and then noticed it was a black snake so she flung it and ran out the kitchen into the utility room making it safely to the back porch. She then realized that she had abandoned the family while doing this so she hollered for my dad to "GET THE GIRLS". She didn't need to yell he was already standing behind her he made his exit just as quickly because my dad is terrified of snakes. So then they do the you get the girls no you get the girls meanwhile my sister is standing in the kitchen like a deer frozen in headlights not moving a muscle. Dad runs in and grabs her (running like a triatholon runner preparing to do hurdles). Im still standing on top of the kitchen table while this black snake still continues to move about the kitchen. Dad notices that the snake is still moving and alittle too close for his comfort also. So Dad yells at me from the swinging doors of the utility room, he tells me to swing from the chandelier (yes trailers have chandeliers) and he would open the utility room door and catch me. Instead seeing dad's severe panic I just jumped and ran. The whole family ran around the trailer to my Papaw's house to get him to take care of the snake for he is used to dealing with such animals on a regular basis he was a fisherman and eeler for as long as I could remember. So Papaw saves the day he goes inside the trailer and grabs the snake takes it out back to the field and chops it in half with a hoe and from the porch I watched both pieces of the snake crawling off in different directions. It was so gross yet so cool. And I guess you could say I learned a few lessons from this incident 1) never trust any of my family members to quickly save me from a burning building and 2) Cooking always leads to disaster hence the reason I use the drive-thru or the microwave.

Uncle Robbing Hood

I have an uncle on my dads side of the family he is quite a character I must say. I call him Uncle Robbing Hood. I call him that because he is always up to no good and he usually "borrows" things for the good of the people just like Robin Hood. He is homeless by choice but he is funny as hell. He has always done crazy things such as (now take note he faced the courts on all of these stories) one time he backed his truck up behind a grocery store and stole all the Doritos out of a delivery truck then pulled up in the neighborhood asking if anyone wanted Doritos he said "I don't even like Doritos" another time he used old receipts he found in the parking lot of the grocery store to "borrow" christmas trees and then gave them out to people that didn't have christmas trees, so why do this I believe he loves to see what he can get away with. He used to be and still tries to maintain a career of painting houses and he once told me that he got fired from his painting job because "the owner told him drinks were on the house so he sat on the roof all day and waited". Another time when he had to face the courts for one of his many incidents the judge asked him in regards to paying some dues "Where do you live?" his honest reply was "The Woods of London Bridge" which anyone from the Virginia Beach area would know that that is a very nice neighborhood except Robbing Hood was being a smart ass and used this play on words to confuse the judge when the judge asked "If you live in such a nice community why are you unable to pay your dues" he said "No judge I meant THE WOODS of London Bridge I live in a tent in the woods." Robbing Hood can usually be seen pan-handling all over the city but he says when he does he never accepts handouts from any women that look like single mothers because "He is trying to show their children that single mothers need to keep their money for themselves not passing it out to the homeless" hey atleast he has morals although sometimes it is hard to understand his mentality. He has a reason for everything he choses his lifestyle I believe because he is such a free-spirit well that is til he gets locked up. This last court appearance he received a hefty sentence but of course having a lucky horseshoe up his ass or something the next morning in his cell the deputy said "You're free to go were overcrowded" so again Robbing Hood narrowly escapes incarcaration by swinging from the branches of the legal system.

It could only happen to me!

So today I'm at home chilling with the girls and cleaning the house and I get a ring on my phone. It's my dad who basically loves to call me with strange things and hot gossip...like father like daughter. Anyway he says I'm calling you because I have a secret and I've been keeping it from you for a year. And of course anyone who knows me knows that the last time he told me this he busted out the closest like a cartoon character in a leopard print leotard. Anyway he precedes to slowing tell me scared me to the point of a possible stroke for 15 minutes that he was up for a possible new job and he would have to leave his job for a few months and that his job already gave him the go ahead and he had the leave yada yada yada. Then he tells me "I didn't think anything would come of it" and so I didn't say anything to you. He said these people asked him questions and had to confirm he never did anything "adult themed in his life" so my heart starts racing and I said "OMFG you are not going to be a stripper" he says "NO!" then I say "OMFG you are not doing porn for Gods sake I'm gonna have a heart attack dad you are going to kill me and I'm only 32! Then he says "NO!" . He then says (dropping the bomb I'm worried the end of the world isnt in 2012 it's now) I'm in part of the final stages of being selected for  a FUCKING REALITY SHOW! I'm gonna die! People please send your donations in lieu of flowers to "mygaydadgavemeastroke.org". I hope I will be missed OMFG.

Offensive or Funny

When I went to go see Alice in Wonderland at the Cinema Cafe on opening night I noticed that the employees there are given uniforms. Their uniforms are black t-shirts with white lettering and they have labels that say "Director", "Actor" or "Producer" just to list a few examples. Anyway at the entrance to the theaters there is an employee a disabled man who takes the tickets from movie viewers. Now I completely sympothize with all mentally challenged or disabled people and do not mean any harm by saying this. But I'm curious as to why this male was given a uniform shirt that says "Stunt Double". Did they do that on purpose or did he want that shirt? If he wanted that shirt that's awesome and that means he's a funny dude (imagine seeing Christian Bale as "Batman" jump off a building and then a cut to the "Stunt double" in a wheelchair" that would be odd) if they just "randomly" gave that shirt to him I would say thats so not cool. I would like to think he chose that shirt and it wasn't just some supervisor that gave him that shirt being a smartass especially since every movie viewers who passed by him made comments about this. So to the guy at the Cinema Cafe the "Stunt Double" ROCK ON DUDE!

The Dangers of Summer Attire

Back in the early 80's my Dad was outside in the yard preparing to cut the lawn which where our house was would take what seemed like hours. Anyway my Dad and his great sense of Summer Attire, he was wearing his brown OP cord shorts (Misse B. personal rule #987 all men's shorts must be at fingertips reach while arms are placed at your sides) and his stripped thin cotton polo shirt with a pair of brown flip-flops. Our lawn being out in the middle of the county inbetween cornfields had a lot of dandelions, buttercups and of course clover patches. My dad could be seen from the porch doing what looked like a freaking rain dance and no one could really understand what exactly he was screaming. Then after the rain dance stopped although I never saw any rain or rainclouds for that matter we figured out that while he was walking thru a clover patch a giant honeybee had became trapped in his flip-flop! Now some may find it concerning and would want to check on the welfare of their Dad but not in my family the LAUGHTER always happens first. And I regretfully have to inform you that the bee did not survive the Flip-flop rain dance but Dad's lawn mowing summer attire was not harmed in anyway during this incident. Now thats the buzz on the Dangers of Summer Attire.

Curious Quote of the Day

From the book "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll

"Be what you would seem to be"-or if you'd like it put more simply-"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise that what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." Said the Dutchess to Alice

Misse's interpretation of this quote: "Don't Perpetrate!"

Delinquent Toons

Here are some of my little sketch cartoons

Always Wear Your Glasses When Shopping

Important Rule: Always wear your glasses when shopping its important

Back when my sister and I were young something like 5 and 8 years old. It was a hot summer day and Nanny was heading to the grocery store now Nanny is the family member that snuck us sugar because for some reason Mom demanded we live a sugar free lifestyle. Maybe that's why we packed on the weight after we moved out and about on our own. Anyways Nanny came back from the store and after putting the groceries away she walked out onto the porch where Amy, myself and my cousin Bear were impatiently waiting for whatever she bought us. Nanny had bought us some Popsicles it was hot and we couldn't wait to tear into them. As we were eating the Popsicles one of us said to the other "Do these taste right are these freezer burned?" So we told Nanny they just didn't taste right I even asked "are these dang thangs sugar free?" Nanny went back inside the house to check the expiration date on the box and then she noticed it. This box of Popsicles had the cutest little Puppy Mascot wearing a beanie and scarf on the front and the expiration date was just fine. Then as she showed the box to Papaw he said "they taste funny Bobby (his nickname for Nanny) cause the box says "Pupsicles!" They were Popsicles for Dogs. Nanny's only reply was "Give em here they shouldn't have put the damn things in the regular freezer section!" So that's why I always say wear your glasses when shopping its very very important especially when buying for your human grandchildren not your grandpuppies.

Random Blog of the Night

Today before going to work was one of my usual days. I attempted to contact my boys by emailing and texting them and of course my tries were unsuccessful. I have a major road block in my efforts to be my boys mother. Their step-mother thinks that she controls who can and cant communicate with them. My question is how can you call a mother a deadbeat when you chop down every rung of the ladder Im trying to climb. How can I be there for my boys when calls, texts, emails, facebook are all intercepted by this woman? These forms of communication are vital to my relationships with my boys especially since they moved them out of the area 6 to 7 hours away. So am I really the deadbeat or are you making people believe I dont put in the effort? There is a reason God doesn't give certain people children and my motto has always been what goes around comes around and one day you will learn that. Trust me I have nothing against any form of religion believe it or not Im a christian and no Im not a perfect person but atleast I dont pretend to be a godly woman I am only myself I don't pretend and I don't say evil prayers. Being a mother is not easy you are not born knowing how to be a mother but you learn to be and I can only give my all to them even if from a distance. I am not a deadbeat mother I have followed my legal custody agreement to the tee have they? No in fact they are not instilling any good morals upon my boys when the emails I get are all about how the things I have bought and sent them arent good enough even though the pawn shops seem to still let them cash in on these gifts. A real mother no matter what the circumstances would never sell their childrens belongings just to help them out financially instead of getting a job. It was once said at the end of an email quote "my prayers to you that one day your boys will forgive you for leaving them" to that prayer I say to you "I pray that one day my boys find it in their hearts to forgive you for wrecking their family and taking their mom away". I love my boys they are my heart and I carry them with me everyday no matter where they live. I have not abandoned them nor will I ever. I'm here only stuck behind this glass barrier called "HER". 

Defective Kitty

Our family decided to adopt a kitten for our daughters Frankie and Gabby. We located a family that had a family member going overseas and they were putting their kitten up for adoption she is 8 months old. We picked the kitten then named "Sofia" up from the family in Norfolk and brought her home. The girls were asleep when she arrived which gave her time to wander around and get comfortable with her new environment. The next morning when Frankie woke up I told her while we were walking down the stairs "Hey Mommy and Daddy got you a kitten", and she was really excited she saw the kitten in the living room and went to pet it. I asked her what she wanted to name her kitten and she said "Tinkerbell" I said Ok although now she calls her "Tink". Frankie sat near the kitten amazed at the fact that it could move around on her own and didnt just lay there like her stuffed animals. Then while petting Tinkerbell she looked over at me with a ticked off look and said "Mom my cat has a hole in her butt" as if the cat was defective and we could just return her to the store! To this day Frankie likes to remind me on occasion about this anatomy lesson.

Fuck Being an Elf!

Today since I have St. Patty's day on my mind for some reason I haven't been drinking or wearing green maybe it's because I've been hanging with my little elves. Anyway today I've decided to tell the story of "Fuck Being an Elf!" This story starts out with me in the third grade our school had just hired a new music teacher her name was Ms. Davis she was a beautiful really strict african american teacher who brought diversity to our 95% white school. I liked this teacher because I was easily bored in music class because I was shy infront of others but this lady let me play the sticks...hey are sticks musical instruments or just something to keep me busy? So on this particular day of school we were having a christmas play rehearsal and we were in the cafeteria slash stage area of the school so that we could get a feel for the stage while we learned our parts and practiced our songs. Ms. Davis sat at the piano facing the front of the stage and some students were grouped up in the cafeteria area, some were on the stage and then there were the two of us my cousin "Pig Pen" and myself who were behind the stage because we were assigned to be elves and when we weren't on the stage we were gonna work the curtain for the other acts. Whenever "Pig Pen" and I got together it was always bad news and behind the stage was an old area of the stage which led to the principals office and next to the principals office was a door that beside it sat a bookshelf. Then I saw it on the bookshelf some type of old homemade rag doll. I have no idea where it came from or who had left it behind it was old and dusty so I showed it to "Pig Pen". Then I noticed on the top of the bookshelf was a coffee mug filled with water. Now let me first defend myself in this plan of action I only pointed out the fact that the coffee mug was on the bookshelf and "Pig Pen" held the rag doll I never gave instructions on what took place next. "Pig Pen and I both first looked at the rag doll in his hands then over to the coffee mug then back to the rag doll. Then the rag doll ended up in the water it soaked up about 75% of the water because it was mostly cotton and felt. Then it happened "Pig Pen" took a pencil and picked up the wet rag doll and flung it. He didn't just fling it off stage somewhere or even at me for that matter. He flung it so hard that it landed on the keys of the piano as Ms. Davis played her christmas carol splashing water all over her. I just stood there when I heard Ms. Davis yell saying "whichever students are behind the stage get out here now!" Neither "Pig Pen" or myself were gonna confess. Ms. Davis made all the music students sit in the cafeteria floor "Indian Style" (now the politically correct name is criss-cross applesauce) and hang their heads down. The idea of this form of interrogation was that while all the students hung their heads down whoever witnessed the guilty party doing the crime they were to raise their hand and point out the guilty party. NO ONE I REPEAT NO ONE! but "Pig Pen" and myself were behind the curtains. Then it happened sitting next to "Pig Pen" I contemplated pointing him out but before I could I felt him raise his hand in my mind I was like "Aw hell no" but he had done it he sealed my fate. The next thing I felt was the teachers hand on my shoulder as I got called out infront of everyone in the cafeteria. She took me straight to the principals office and expulsion was recommended. They called my MOTHER.  Oh Crap Im gonna be suspended and Im only in the third grade! My mother arrived and the principal sat at his desk while Ms. Davis stated what had occurred and explained that she felt this was racially motivated since she was new and one out of the only two african-american teachers at this school. Trust me I will tell you now it was NOT racially motivated in the third grade it was only comically motivated and not well thought out. My mother and the principal discussed this back and forth and decided that since I had only had minor run ins with authorities in the school so far ya know since I started kindergarten I was an alumni geeezzz they cleared it up and against the objections of the music teacher decided on my punishment. They decided that I would sit in the office on the "You screwed up Bench" everyday during recess for a week A WHOLE WEEK but that wasn't the bad part the bad part was I was forced to apologize to the teacher infront of the class for what I had done (I wasn't even given the right to appeal for crying out loud) So my mother left and as she turned the corner to head to the car she gave me the "LOOK" I know I pissed her off but come on I was gonna have to apologize for something I didn't completely do (apparently I have the power of Mind Control?) couldn't the principal just let her beat me in the parking lot please! So I walked up to the front of the cafeteria infront of all my music classmates stood next to the piano and the music teacher and the principal said to the group "Quiet everybody Misse has a little something she needs to say to everyone" I stood there my face was "BEET RED" I said in my lowest voice "I'm sorry I disturbed the class and Ms. Davis Im sorry you got hit with the wet baby doll. I almost started to cry from the embarrassment except for the fact that "Pig Pen" scooted up front just to get a better view of the show. The teacher then said "well Misse I can't allow you to be an elf in the play now because of your behavior" Then I said it I looked straight at the music teacher after looking at "Pig Pen" and said " I didn't want to be a freaking elf anyway! The teacher just looked at me and the crowd gasped then the principal walked me out of the cafeteria and there I sat again on the "You screwed up again Bench" the principal decided to add to my punishment I would now for the next week have to eat my lunch in his office with him in dead silence! At this point I was so mad at "Pig Pen" that I wanted to kill him it was a really long bus ride home and of course I had been in trouble on the bus so many times I was assigned to the front seat so "Pig Pen" ran past me and bee-lined it to the back of the bus. I just stared at him the whole ride thinking "stupid boy we get off at the same stop we live next door to each other" I had a book bag waiting to slap the stupid off of him when I got off the bus. The bus came to a stop and we got off "Pig Pen" tried to apologize I wasn't accepting that I slapped him full force in the back with my book bag but it didn't hurt that little jerk and he took off running towards his house he got away but of course I had the last word as usual....I yelled  "Alteast Im not a Girlie-Ass Elf like you".

Cute Button Nose

When I was in elementary school the first grade to be exact I was a very hyperactive child and I managed to get into everything I possibly could. I remember I was bored and sitting in my Nanny's spare bedroom I was supposed to be cleaning her jewerly box which I did just about weekly. I was snooping through all of her things which I also did on a weekly basis when I came across what I thought was the coolest collection. It was a huge glass jar filled with old buttons they were every shape, size and color you could imagine. So Misse being Misse I decided I really liked this little pearl white one I was gonna steal it I just had to do it quickly before Nanny got back from the bathroom. I heard her coming the bathroom door was right next to this room I was sitting in. I quickly shoved the button jar back into the corner where I found it and threw some old sewing fabric over it and then I did it I stole it...but I didnt just steal it I shoved it up my nose! For about 10 days I sneezed and my grandparents continued to tell my mom to take me to the doctor because I must have severe allergies. The sneezing continued and continued my eyes watered all day long. Then my Nanny said why dont we go get some fresh air and take a drive to Ms. Bonds flower shop at Pungo Square Shopping Center. When we got there I had sneezed so many times during the ride from the house to the flower shop that my Nanny said just sit in the truck with your Papaw I'll buy ya something while Im in there. I sneezed and said Ok. When Nanny got done shopping and came back to get in the truck I sneezed really hard and the button went flying out of my nose and hit the dashboard of the truck right above the tape deck. My Papaw said Bobby (my Nanny's nickname) that explains the allergies. I had to confess that I had stolen the button and Papaw said "Well it's definately yours now."

The 70's Needed Safety Recall Lists

This is a story told to me by my father since I was too young to remember this one however it should still be told because it is funny and adds to the list of many things I should have died from. My parents must have been playing "Baby Fear Factor" with me since I was the practice baby. My parents loaded up the Chevette to take a ride to wherever parents in the county in the late 70's would travel to. Normally I was not a quiet baby so it would be rather odd for me to be quiet during a car ride. Mind you I saw photos which I will add as soon as I locate them, I had a carseat but it wasnt belted into the car it was just free stylin one sharp curve and I could've ended up in the floorboard. Anyway my parents were driving along, listening to the radio and chatting away when they said to each other "Gosh Melissa's Been so quiet". Thats when they noticed it they looked back and I was gasping for air. This is when I realized I have always had a big mouth (the better to gossip with) I had a round shaped baby rattle stuck in my mouth for only God knows how long. The entire top of the 3-dimensional rattle was jammed in there so that only the stick handle was sticking out. I had no choice but to be quiet. The panicked parents managed to pry the rattle out of my mouth. My only concern with their parenting abilities in regards to this story is What the Hell took so long for you to notice this? It's dangerous being a big mouth but If you are around me in the same room with me or whatever for GOD'S SAKE if Im quiet would someone please check on me?

Nuts....No I'm just traumatized!

Anyone who has ever been lucky enough to have seen the inside of a single wide trailer knows they are basically a three dimensional rectangle consisting of a "Master Bedroom" at one end and what I like to call the "trailer runway" which all the other rooms sit on and then there is a bedroom at the other end. So if bedroom doors are open you have a view down the runway and can watch the happenings of each bedroom. However the makers of my single wide trailer designed what is called the "Child safety feature" whereas the master bedroom has an alcove to the left so that children in the other end of the trailer for the love of God never have to or never accidentally see their parents bed. However on this particular night I was sitting on my bed facing towards my open door..duh trying to see the t.v. past my bedtime hey its just not fair that Im not allowed to stay up til 10 so I can freaking watch Falcon Crest it had the greatest story plot for an 8 year old. Anyway so my dad just gets out of the shower and is walking down the runway to go to the utility room (mine you it had bar tavern swinging doors just like the old west) wearing a white towel around his waist. Im guessing he didnt see me trying to watch t.v. because as he turned the corner to pass the dinner table he dropped  whatever piece of clothing he was carrying on the floor and bent over to pick it up when it happened. Oh Fuck Im traumatized he dropped his towel and I saw everything freaking everything! Oh my God I just saw Balls for the first time and they are my freaking dad's I say a little prayer hoping God would erase my memory well God tried...after my dad realized what had happened and continued down the runway my parents room he told mom what happened. Then it happened my Mom came stomping down the runway ready to pounce and said "MELISSA!, that did not happen you didn't see anything I was like oh yea I did dad dropped his....she stopped me and said "It did not you did not see that happen" Mind you wouldn't you think It would have been better for her to have said "keep that to yourself or Do we need to have the talk?" Cause I know someone's gonna have to explain what I had just seen for crying out loud the only information about male anatomy I know  is what my stupid cousin told me and Im not sure if I saw a WEINER or a BALL?

Star Wars in the Office

Tonight I feel as if I have new meaning to my life I will no longer take the simple pleasures in life such as clean stalls and air freshner for granted again. I have never been trained by the "Star Fleet" and Im not allowed to carry a lifesaver to the office with me. So as I casually walked into the dungeon that we in the office call "the ladies room" I was confronted by "Jabba da Hut" (the person or the shit your choice). I had a false sense of security as I entered my stall when it happened.....the most horrific smell went up into the air after a flush and "our poor defenseless ladies room" with no air freshners on the wall not even a cheap pink glade stick up safely placed with loving care in the stall...it rose up and hit me in the face like a baseball bat and me without my lifesaver stood face to face with the back of my stall door grasping my mouth shut holding my nose for dear life pleading with the little bit of air that was able to seep into my mouth through the tiny little cracks between my fingers gagging, gagging , gagging waiting on "Jabba da Hut" to wash her hands and crawl off and die somewhere (cause something was medically wrong with her or she was a vegetarian Im not sure). I gagged as she rinsed and toweled her hands off pleading with my stomach to just hold on til she exits you do not want to give your coordinates for your safety is at risk. "Jabba da Hut" then exited the dungeon and I defenseless untrained trekkie turned around and fucking lost my lunch! Now thats the 311 on GROSS!

"REALLY"

While at work on any given night I hear this phrase....."REALLY?" I mean come on is it really necessary to say that? Does someone really want that question answered? Do they really just want to be heard I mean come on "REALLY?"

Question of the Night

Ok so heres and idea wanna alittle excitement in your life but dont have any plans yet?
Why not jump into the criminal lifestyle when you are elderly then when as "Janes Addiction" once put it "Been Caught Stealing" will only mean that you forgot you were shoplifting  and what officer would want to arrest a sweet old lady wearing a tank top that says "Got Cock" and a pair of pants that say "Juicy" on the back none that I know of? Granny strikes again and with fashion sense to boot!

Nubien Momma to the Jailhouse Rescue

Here is "My Nubien Momma's" response to my letter:

Dear Misse, I dont have much time because the eagle has landed. I am glad that you wrote me because I was worried. Your sister "Shug" told me she saw you and youre doing fine. I am sorry about your Nilla Wafers. I will put a hit on her 1st thing in the morning. I couldnt find any bigger paper (return letter was written on a piece of scrap paper? so I cant write much. Be careful picking up your soap bar cause bitches are waiting for you to bend over. I have sent you some necessities to help you get thru your time.
                                                                        "Take Care" Your Nubien Momma

Enclosed was a goodie bag with the following items inside:
1.) Bag of fruit loops:cuz everyone is special
2.) 1/2 piece of bread: Momma had to give the other half to your sister
3.) Granola Bar: laced with the ability to puff puff give give
4.) Packet of Soy Sauce: make special won ton soup
5.) Pepto Pill: for those upset poopie days
6.) Fortune cookie: might have a "Get outta Jail free card" inside (PRAY HARD)
7.) Benadryl Pill: open pill and sniff sniff sniff, yeah boy ha ha!
8.) Ear Plug: to block out all the shit talkers
9.) AA Battery: just to keep your "bullet toy" happy
10.) Cotton Ball: some kinda ball is better than none
11.) Q-tips: use as antennas to pick up signals from me on how to escape

Only "My Nubien Momma" would be so thoughful.....HOLLA!