"TeaBagged"

Ha! Ya'll dirty minded readers actually thought I was gonna discuss something sexual aww hell nah. This is the story of Misse the dorky 2nd grader and the reason why she does not like to participate in any organized sports or co-ed events. All throughout elementary school there was a boy whom I will call "He-Man" and even in kindergarten he could have given Sammy Sosa a run for his money when it came to all things sports. I on the other hand hated Gym would often fake sick to avoid it and try my best not to get picked for anything other than the line for the nurse to check me for scleosis (sometimes even hunching over while looking lost near the line just to get the nurses attention). On this particular day we were scheduled to have what our gym teacher referred to as "FUN DAY" fun hell we had to play "CRAB JOLLY BALL". This game if you never were so honored to play consists of all the children in the class sitting in a huge circle with their shoes off. Then there was the ball not just any ball a marble for Godzilla this ball was about 4 foot across and don't ask me to figure out the diameter on that I also hated math class. Anyway the players would sit in the circle and use their feet to kick the ball to the other areas of the circle trying to knock the ball out of the circle inturn eliminating the player that missed the ball. Well the game had been going on for about all of 10 minutes and I was extremely nervous I kept praying to myself please God let the fucking ball go somewhere other than near me. Well then I notice that "He-Man" had control of the ball and yep you guessed it i'm directly across from him in the circle. He kicks the ball if that word could actually describe the strength in which that damn ball was hurled at me. I sat there getting ready to just duck and say the hell with it when I realized I just didn't have time to escape it so to my terror in the 2nd grade I seriously "GOT TEABAGGED" by a GIANT BALL full force to the face knocking me backwards while everyone froze in fear and my life ages newborn through 7 years old flashed before me. Then silence. I awoke on the floor with teachers trying to wake me up and I heard them saying hold on theres an ambulance coming I was unconsicious not only had I been Teabagged by "He-Man" I was knocked out like an alcoholic on a holiday. I had slammed my head so hard on the gym floor they thought I...as 1 teacher put it split my head open like a pun-kin. The best thing that actually came out of this story was that I was able to milk that head injury into NO P.E. for 3 days thanks to "He-Man". Public Service Announcement: To all the Moms and Dads out there talk to your children about the dangers of "TeaBagging" this problem doesn't just happen amongst the teenage community it's happening in the rural county elementary school systems too. So talk to your sons and daughters give them advice on how to avoid a "ball" to the face or better yet teach em how to handle a ball to the face gracefully its very important and if we can just prevent 1 dorky redneck girl from being "Teabagged" early in life it will make a world of difference.

Out of Order

When I was fourteen and living in the county where there was absolutely nothing to do except to get into trouble I would usually volunteer to ride to the grocery store with my Nanny and Papaw. The ride to the Farm Fresh from where we lived it took about 50 minutes to get there especially at the safe speed limit that my Papaw would drive that and he was usually busy having a verbal dispute with Nanny while he drove instead of putting the pedal to the metal. It never failed that my Nanny would sing along to WCMS driving Papaw to the brink of his sanity apparently because about 10 minutes into the ride he would lose it and yell "would you shut it Bobby?" and of course my Nanny being stubborn (that may explain my temperament) would not stop singing until a song came on that she didn't know. Anyways I digress when I was fourteen I thought I was such a hottie so of course I would wear the usual "Dukes of Hazard" type summer attire and for you smart asses I don't mean a flannel I dressed like a girl sometimes. So my Nanny goes into the grocery store taking her time as usual while I sat on the bench near the bubble gum machines and I noticed three city skater boys outside near the Coke machine. So I put my best strut on (i'm now being told by friends that it was actually my "Dork Strut") when leaving the store lagging behind my Nanny who was pushing her cart to the truck so the city boys wouldn't see me with my grandparents. Well I noticed that they were staring at me from where they were standing and I was like "OMG they think I'm hot" well of course no such luck for me because just as I realized my Nanny had slowed down to get my attention while I was only paying attention to the boys I was informed ever so loudly what they were staring at......they were freaking staring at the "OUT OF ORDER" sign that was stuck to my butt. Apparently I had sat too close to the broken bubble gum machine and managed to sit on the sign that fell off and was conviently sitting on the bench. Now not only was I not a Hottie, and I was not cool for being with my grandparents these dudes thought my butt was out of order
GEES-S-Christ!!!!!

The Great Boobie Dilemas

Today I'm gonna discuss Boobies that's right ladies and gentlemen (I mean boys) boobies. Here's my discussion about Boobies and how man must be designing bras for them. So there are numerous types of boobie holdsters let's discuss a few. First there is the V-front bra this bra for some reason when ever you are wearing it you might as well let one hang loose because it never fails a nip is always gonna fly freely when you are laying on the couch or trying to do housework. It never fails whenever you are bending over to pick up toys or mopping the floor one of your pointed suction cups will pop out and there's no use popping it back in til you're done with your chores since its inevitable that ones gonna jump right back out. Then there is the infamous sports bra which I don't know who thought of this one supposedly you are suppose to wear this while working out or running which neither of these do I commit myself to doing. So when this bra is worn on other occasions like hitting the bar or lounging around the house, or a quick sprint to the grocery store you might as well give up looking like you have a set of 20 year old funbags because if you are over thirty or a little on the "not-petite" size it will just look like you dropped a toddler in your shirt head first yes thats right I call it the "baby butt fashion" so instead of cleavage you if wearing your "juicy" jogging pants with this contraption you will have two cracks which then someone would be allowed to call you a butthead and get away with it. Then there is the "comfort fit" bra that has a "closed front suffocation device" supposedly to hold your knicky knack knockers in and make you walk with better posture that doesn't work either since if you are used to slouching you will find a way to have bad posture anyway. This device causes you to suffocate or have a handlebar on your back and of course it's not fashionable since you will have what I like to call the "Uni-boob" and hey if you only want to look like you have one by all means wear this just remember that looking like you have one boob will not lead people to believe you have lost weight. So that's my 15 minute gripe for today so ladies be smart and proud of what ya were blessed with let those ba-doob-a doobs roam free maybe it will rain while you are out on the town so people will give ya a prize for winning the on the spur of the moment wet t-shirt contest and don't worry about making a fashion statement just let em hang free and scare the children into wearing the appropriate ladies under apparel.

Stage Fright

This is the story of the time I was forced to perform in a christmas play against my will when I was 5 years old. I got up infront of the whole church to say a line from our little christmas play. I was so shy yes I was shy believe it or not. I got so embarrassed and red in the face that instead of running off the stage to hide my face I pulled my little red dress up over my head exposing my undies to everyone. Note to all parents or parents to be the moral of this story don't force your children to do things that will embarrass them because they inturn will embarrass you.

Snake Evacuation

One day in the summer my mother was in the kitchen preparing to cook fried chicken. The rest of the family was scattered about the house as usual doing their own things. Mom was looking for her electric skillet so she reached in the cabinet under the sink pulling out the skillet part but having difficulty locating the cord to the skillet. So she's in the middle of squatting down reaching further back into the cabinet to find this cord when she finally found the cord or what she thought was the cord she held up her hand and then noticed it was a black snake so she flung it and ran out the kitchen into the utility room making it safely to the back porch. She then realized that she had abandoned the family while doing this so she hollered for my dad to "GET THE GIRLS". She didn't need to yell he was already standing behind her he made his exit just as quickly because my dad is terrified of snakes. So then they do the you get the girls no you get the girls meanwhile my sister is standing in the kitchen like a deer frozen in headlights not moving a muscle. Dad runs in and grabs her (running like a triatholon runner preparing to do hurdles). Im still standing on top of the kitchen table while this black snake still continues to move about the kitchen. Dad notices that the snake is still moving and alittle too close for his comfort also. So Dad yells at me from the swinging doors of the utility room, he tells me to swing from the chandelier (yes trailers have chandeliers) and he would open the utility room door and catch me. Instead seeing dad's severe panic I just jumped and ran. The whole family ran around the trailer to my Papaw's house to get him to take care of the snake for he is used to dealing with such animals on a regular basis he was a fisherman and eeler for as long as I could remember. So Papaw saves the day he goes inside the trailer and grabs the snake takes it out back to the field and chops it in half with a hoe and from the porch I watched both pieces of the snake crawling off in different directions. It was so gross yet so cool. And I guess you could say I learned a few lessons from this incident 1) never trust any of my family members to quickly save me from a burning building and 2) Cooking always leads to disaster hence the reason I use the drive-thru or the microwave.

Uncle Robbing Hood

I have an uncle on my dads side of the family he is quite a character I must say. I call him Uncle Robbing Hood. I call him that because he is always up to no good and he usually "borrows" things for the good of the people just like Robin Hood. He is homeless by choice but he is funny as hell. He has always done crazy things such as (now take note he faced the courts on all of these stories) one time he backed his truck up behind a grocery store and stole all the Doritos out of a delivery truck then pulled up in the neighborhood asking if anyone wanted Doritos he said "I don't even like Doritos" another time he used old receipts he found in the parking lot of the grocery store to "borrow" christmas trees and then gave them out to people that didn't have christmas trees, so why do this I believe he loves to see what he can get away with. He used to be and still tries to maintain a career of painting houses and he once told me that he got fired from his painting job because "the owner told him drinks were on the house so he sat on the roof all day and waited". Another time when he had to face the courts for one of his many incidents the judge asked him in regards to paying some dues "Where do you live?" his honest reply was "The Woods of London Bridge" which anyone from the Virginia Beach area would know that that is a very nice neighborhood except Robbing Hood was being a smart ass and used this play on words to confuse the judge when the judge asked "If you live in such a nice community why are you unable to pay your dues" he said "No judge I meant THE WOODS of London Bridge I live in a tent in the woods." Robbing Hood can usually be seen pan-handling all over the city but he says when he does he never accepts handouts from any women that look like single mothers because "He is trying to show their children that single mothers need to keep their money for themselves not passing it out to the homeless" hey atleast he has morals although sometimes it is hard to understand his mentality. He has a reason for everything he choses his lifestyle I believe because he is such a free-spirit well that is til he gets locked up. This last court appearance he received a hefty sentence but of course having a lucky horseshoe up his ass or something the next morning in his cell the deputy said "You're free to go were overcrowded" so again Robbing Hood narrowly escapes incarcaration by swinging from the branches of the legal system.

It could only happen to me!

So today I'm at home chilling with the girls and cleaning the house and I get a ring on my phone. It's my dad who basically loves to call me with strange things and hot gossip...like father like daughter. Anyway he says I'm calling you because I have a secret and I've been keeping it from you for a year. And of course anyone who knows me knows that the last time he told me this he busted out the closest like a cartoon character in a leopard print leotard. Anyway he precedes to slowing tell me scared me to the point of a possible stroke for 15 minutes that he was up for a possible new job and he would have to leave his job for a few months and that his job already gave him the go ahead and he had the leave yada yada yada. Then he tells me "I didn't think anything would come of it" and so I didn't say anything to you. He said these people asked him questions and had to confirm he never did anything "adult themed in his life" so my heart starts racing and I said "OMFG you are not going to be a stripper" he says "NO!" then I say "OMFG you are not doing porn for Gods sake I'm gonna have a heart attack dad you are going to kill me and I'm only 32! Then he says "NO!" . He then says (dropping the bomb I'm worried the end of the world isnt in 2012 it's now) I'm in part of the final stages of being selected for  a FUCKING REALITY SHOW! I'm gonna die! People please send your donations in lieu of flowers to "mygaydadgavemeastroke.org". I hope I will be missed OMFG.

Offensive or Funny

When I went to go see Alice in Wonderland at the Cinema Cafe on opening night I noticed that the employees there are given uniforms. Their uniforms are black t-shirts with white lettering and they have labels that say "Director", "Actor" or "Producer" just to list a few examples. Anyway at the entrance to the theaters there is an employee a disabled man who takes the tickets from movie viewers. Now I completely sympothize with all mentally challenged or disabled people and do not mean any harm by saying this. But I'm curious as to why this male was given a uniform shirt that says "Stunt Double". Did they do that on purpose or did he want that shirt? If he wanted that shirt that's awesome and that means he's a funny dude (imagine seeing Christian Bale as "Batman" jump off a building and then a cut to the "Stunt double" in a wheelchair" that would be odd) if they just "randomly" gave that shirt to him I would say thats so not cool. I would like to think he chose that shirt and it wasn't just some supervisor that gave him that shirt being a smartass especially since every movie viewers who passed by him made comments about this. So to the guy at the Cinema Cafe the "Stunt Double" ROCK ON DUDE!

The Dangers of Summer Attire

Back in the early 80's my Dad was outside in the yard preparing to cut the lawn which where our house was would take what seemed like hours. Anyway my Dad and his great sense of Summer Attire, he was wearing his brown OP cord shorts (Misse B. personal rule #987 all men's shorts must be at fingertips reach while arms are placed at your sides) and his stripped thin cotton polo shirt with a pair of brown flip-flops. Our lawn being out in the middle of the county inbetween cornfields had a lot of dandelions, buttercups and of course clover patches. My dad could be seen from the porch doing what looked like a freaking rain dance and no one could really understand what exactly he was screaming. Then after the rain dance stopped although I never saw any rain or rainclouds for that matter we figured out that while he was walking thru a clover patch a giant honeybee had became trapped in his flip-flop! Now some may find it concerning and would want to check on the welfare of their Dad but not in my family the LAUGHTER always happens first. And I regretfully have to inform you that the bee did not survive the Flip-flop rain dance but Dad's lawn mowing summer attire was not harmed in anyway during this incident. Now thats the buzz on the Dangers of Summer Attire.

Curious Quote of the Day

From the book "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll

"Be what you would seem to be"-or if you'd like it put more simply-"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise that what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." Said the Dutchess to Alice

Misse's interpretation of this quote: "Don't Perpetrate!"

Delinquent Toons

Here are some of my little sketch cartoons

Always Wear Your Glasses When Shopping

Important Rule: Always wear your glasses when shopping its important

Back when my sister and I were young something like 5 and 8 years old. It was a hot summer day and Nanny was heading to the grocery store now Nanny is the family member that snuck us sugar because for some reason Mom demanded we live a sugar free lifestyle. Maybe that's why we packed on the weight after we moved out and about on our own. Anyways Nanny came back from the store and after putting the groceries away she walked out onto the porch where Amy, myself and my cousin Bear were impatiently waiting for whatever she bought us. Nanny had bought us some Popsicles it was hot and we couldn't wait to tear into them. As we were eating the Popsicles one of us said to the other "Do these taste right are these freezer burned?" So we told Nanny they just didn't taste right I even asked "are these dang thangs sugar free?" Nanny went back inside the house to check the expiration date on the box and then she noticed it. This box of Popsicles had the cutest little Puppy Mascot wearing a beanie and scarf on the front and the expiration date was just fine. Then as she showed the box to Papaw he said "they taste funny Bobby (his nickname for Nanny) cause the box says "Pupsicles!" They were Popsicles for Dogs. Nanny's only reply was "Give em here they shouldn't have put the damn things in the regular freezer section!" So that's why I always say wear your glasses when shopping its very very important especially when buying for your human grandchildren not your grandpuppies.

Random Blog of the Night

Today before going to work was one of my usual days. I attempted to contact my boys by emailing and texting them and of course my tries were unsuccessful. I have a major road block in my efforts to be my boys mother. Their step-mother thinks that she controls who can and cant communicate with them. My question is how can you call a mother a deadbeat when you chop down every rung of the ladder Im trying to climb. How can I be there for my boys when calls, texts, emails, facebook are all intercepted by this woman? These forms of communication are vital to my relationships with my boys especially since they moved them out of the area 6 to 7 hours away. So am I really the deadbeat or are you making people believe I dont put in the effort? There is a reason God doesn't give certain people children and my motto has always been what goes around comes around and one day you will learn that. Trust me I have nothing against any form of religion believe it or not Im a christian and no Im not a perfect person but atleast I dont pretend to be a godly woman I am only myself I don't pretend and I don't say evil prayers. Being a mother is not easy you are not born knowing how to be a mother but you learn to be and I can only give my all to them even if from a distance. I am not a deadbeat mother I have followed my legal custody agreement to the tee have they? No in fact they are not instilling any good morals upon my boys when the emails I get are all about how the things I have bought and sent them arent good enough even though the pawn shops seem to still let them cash in on these gifts. A real mother no matter what the circumstances would never sell their childrens belongings just to help them out financially instead of getting a job. It was once said at the end of an email quote "my prayers to you that one day your boys will forgive you for leaving them" to that prayer I say to you "I pray that one day my boys find it in their hearts to forgive you for wrecking their family and taking their mom away". I love my boys they are my heart and I carry them with me everyday no matter where they live. I have not abandoned them nor will I ever. I'm here only stuck behind this glass barrier called "HER". 

Defective Kitty

Our family decided to adopt a kitten for our daughters Frankie and Gabby. We located a family that had a family member going overseas and they were putting their kitten up for adoption she is 8 months old. We picked the kitten then named "Sofia" up from the family in Norfolk and brought her home. The girls were asleep when she arrived which gave her time to wander around and get comfortable with her new environment. The next morning when Frankie woke up I told her while we were walking down the stairs "Hey Mommy and Daddy got you a kitten", and she was really excited she saw the kitten in the living room and went to pet it. I asked her what she wanted to name her kitten and she said "Tinkerbell" I said Ok although now she calls her "Tink". Frankie sat near the kitten amazed at the fact that it could move around on her own and didnt just lay there like her stuffed animals. Then while petting Tinkerbell she looked over at me with a ticked off look and said "Mom my cat has a hole in her butt" as if the cat was defective and we could just return her to the store! To this day Frankie likes to remind me on occasion about this anatomy lesson.

Fuck Being an Elf!

Today since I have St. Patty's day on my mind for some reason I haven't been drinking or wearing green maybe it's because I've been hanging with my little elves. Anyway today I've decided to tell the story of "Fuck Being an Elf!" This story starts out with me in the third grade our school had just hired a new music teacher her name was Ms. Davis she was a beautiful really strict african american teacher who brought diversity to our 95% white school. I liked this teacher because I was easily bored in music class because I was shy infront of others but this lady let me play the sticks...hey are sticks musical instruments or just something to keep me busy? So on this particular day of school we were having a christmas play rehearsal and we were in the cafeteria slash stage area of the school so that we could get a feel for the stage while we learned our parts and practiced our songs. Ms. Davis sat at the piano facing the front of the stage and some students were grouped up in the cafeteria area, some were on the stage and then there were the two of us my cousin "Pig Pen" and myself who were behind the stage because we were assigned to be elves and when we weren't on the stage we were gonna work the curtain for the other acts. Whenever "Pig Pen" and I got together it was always bad news and behind the stage was an old area of the stage which led to the principals office and next to the principals office was a door that beside it sat a bookshelf. Then I saw it on the bookshelf some type of old homemade rag doll. I have no idea where it came from or who had left it behind it was old and dusty so I showed it to "Pig Pen". Then I noticed on the top of the bookshelf was a coffee mug filled with water. Now let me first defend myself in this plan of action I only pointed out the fact that the coffee mug was on the bookshelf and "Pig Pen" held the rag doll I never gave instructions on what took place next. "Pig Pen and I both first looked at the rag doll in his hands then over to the coffee mug then back to the rag doll. Then the rag doll ended up in the water it soaked up about 75% of the water because it was mostly cotton and felt. Then it happened "Pig Pen" took a pencil and picked up the wet rag doll and flung it. He didn't just fling it off stage somewhere or even at me for that matter. He flung it so hard that it landed on the keys of the piano as Ms. Davis played her christmas carol splashing water all over her. I just stood there when I heard Ms. Davis yell saying "whichever students are behind the stage get out here now!" Neither "Pig Pen" or myself were gonna confess. Ms. Davis made all the music students sit in the cafeteria floor "Indian Style" (now the politically correct name is criss-cross applesauce) and hang their heads down. The idea of this form of interrogation was that while all the students hung their heads down whoever witnessed the guilty party doing the crime they were to raise their hand and point out the guilty party. NO ONE I REPEAT NO ONE! but "Pig Pen" and myself were behind the curtains. Then it happened sitting next to "Pig Pen" I contemplated pointing him out but before I could I felt him raise his hand in my mind I was like "Aw hell no" but he had done it he sealed my fate. The next thing I felt was the teachers hand on my shoulder as I got called out infront of everyone in the cafeteria. She took me straight to the principals office and expulsion was recommended. They called my MOTHER.  Oh Crap Im gonna be suspended and Im only in the third grade! My mother arrived and the principal sat at his desk while Ms. Davis stated what had occurred and explained that she felt this was racially motivated since she was new and one out of the only two african-american teachers at this school. Trust me I will tell you now it was NOT racially motivated in the third grade it was only comically motivated and not well thought out. My mother and the principal discussed this back and forth and decided that since I had only had minor run ins with authorities in the school so far ya know since I started kindergarten I was an alumni geeezzz they cleared it up and against the objections of the music teacher decided on my punishment. They decided that I would sit in the office on the "You screwed up Bench" everyday during recess for a week A WHOLE WEEK but that wasn't the bad part the bad part was I was forced to apologize to the teacher infront of the class for what I had done (I wasn't even given the right to appeal for crying out loud) So my mother left and as she turned the corner to head to the car she gave me the "LOOK" I know I pissed her off but come on I was gonna have to apologize for something I didn't completely do (apparently I have the power of Mind Control?) couldn't the principal just let her beat me in the parking lot please! So I walked up to the front of the cafeteria infront of all my music classmates stood next to the piano and the music teacher and the principal said to the group "Quiet everybody Misse has a little something she needs to say to everyone" I stood there my face was "BEET RED" I said in my lowest voice "I'm sorry I disturbed the class and Ms. Davis Im sorry you got hit with the wet baby doll. I almost started to cry from the embarrassment except for the fact that "Pig Pen" scooted up front just to get a better view of the show. The teacher then said "well Misse I can't allow you to be an elf in the play now because of your behavior" Then I said it I looked straight at the music teacher after looking at "Pig Pen" and said " I didn't want to be a freaking elf anyway! The teacher just looked at me and the crowd gasped then the principal walked me out of the cafeteria and there I sat again on the "You screwed up again Bench" the principal decided to add to my punishment I would now for the next week have to eat my lunch in his office with him in dead silence! At this point I was so mad at "Pig Pen" that I wanted to kill him it was a really long bus ride home and of course I had been in trouble on the bus so many times I was assigned to the front seat so "Pig Pen" ran past me and bee-lined it to the back of the bus. I just stared at him the whole ride thinking "stupid boy we get off at the same stop we live next door to each other" I had a book bag waiting to slap the stupid off of him when I got off the bus. The bus came to a stop and we got off "Pig Pen" tried to apologize I wasn't accepting that I slapped him full force in the back with my book bag but it didn't hurt that little jerk and he took off running towards his house he got away but of course I had the last word as usual....I yelled  "Alteast Im not a Girlie-Ass Elf like you".

Cute Button Nose

When I was in elementary school the first grade to be exact I was a very hyperactive child and I managed to get into everything I possibly could. I remember I was bored and sitting in my Nanny's spare bedroom I was supposed to be cleaning her jewerly box which I did just about weekly. I was snooping through all of her things which I also did on a weekly basis when I came across what I thought was the coolest collection. It was a huge glass jar filled with old buttons they were every shape, size and color you could imagine. So Misse being Misse I decided I really liked this little pearl white one I was gonna steal it I just had to do it quickly before Nanny got back from the bathroom. I heard her coming the bathroom door was right next to this room I was sitting in. I quickly shoved the button jar back into the corner where I found it and threw some old sewing fabric over it and then I did it I stole it...but I didnt just steal it I shoved it up my nose! For about 10 days I sneezed and my grandparents continued to tell my mom to take me to the doctor because I must have severe allergies. The sneezing continued and continued my eyes watered all day long. Then my Nanny said why dont we go get some fresh air and take a drive to Ms. Bonds flower shop at Pungo Square Shopping Center. When we got there I had sneezed so many times during the ride from the house to the flower shop that my Nanny said just sit in the truck with your Papaw I'll buy ya something while Im in there. I sneezed and said Ok. When Nanny got done shopping and came back to get in the truck I sneezed really hard and the button went flying out of my nose and hit the dashboard of the truck right above the tape deck. My Papaw said Bobby (my Nanny's nickname) that explains the allergies. I had to confess that I had stolen the button and Papaw said "Well it's definately yours now."

The 70's Needed Safety Recall Lists

This is a story told to me by my father since I was too young to remember this one however it should still be told because it is funny and adds to the list of many things I should have died from. My parents must have been playing "Baby Fear Factor" with me since I was the practice baby. My parents loaded up the Chevette to take a ride to wherever parents in the county in the late 70's would travel to. Normally I was not a quiet baby so it would be rather odd for me to be quiet during a car ride. Mind you I saw photos which I will add as soon as I locate them, I had a carseat but it wasnt belted into the car it was just free stylin one sharp curve and I could've ended up in the floorboard. Anyway my parents were driving along, listening to the radio and chatting away when they said to each other "Gosh Melissa's Been so quiet". Thats when they noticed it they looked back and I was gasping for air. This is when I realized I have always had a big mouth (the better to gossip with) I had a round shaped baby rattle stuck in my mouth for only God knows how long. The entire top of the 3-dimensional rattle was jammed in there so that only the stick handle was sticking out. I had no choice but to be quiet. The panicked parents managed to pry the rattle out of my mouth. My only concern with their parenting abilities in regards to this story is What the Hell took so long for you to notice this? It's dangerous being a big mouth but If you are around me in the same room with me or whatever for GOD'S SAKE if Im quiet would someone please check on me?

Nuts....No I'm just traumatized!

Anyone who has ever been lucky enough to have seen the inside of a single wide trailer knows they are basically a three dimensional rectangle consisting of a "Master Bedroom" at one end and what I like to call the "trailer runway" which all the other rooms sit on and then there is a bedroom at the other end. So if bedroom doors are open you have a view down the runway and can watch the happenings of each bedroom. However the makers of my single wide trailer designed what is called the "Child safety feature" whereas the master bedroom has an alcove to the left so that children in the other end of the trailer for the love of God never have to or never accidentally see their parents bed. However on this particular night I was sitting on my bed facing towards my open door..duh trying to see the t.v. past my bedtime hey its just not fair that Im not allowed to stay up til 10 so I can freaking watch Falcon Crest it had the greatest story plot for an 8 year old. Anyway so my dad just gets out of the shower and is walking down the runway to go to the utility room (mine you it had bar tavern swinging doors just like the old west) wearing a white towel around his waist. Im guessing he didnt see me trying to watch t.v. because as he turned the corner to pass the dinner table he dropped  whatever piece of clothing he was carrying on the floor and bent over to pick it up when it happened. Oh Fuck Im traumatized he dropped his towel and I saw everything freaking everything! Oh my God I just saw Balls for the first time and they are my freaking dad's I say a little prayer hoping God would erase my memory well God tried...after my dad realized what had happened and continued down the runway my parents room he told mom what happened. Then it happened my Mom came stomping down the runway ready to pounce and said "MELISSA!, that did not happen you didn't see anything I was like oh yea I did dad dropped his....she stopped me and said "It did not you did not see that happen" Mind you wouldn't you think It would have been better for her to have said "keep that to yourself or Do we need to have the talk?" Cause I know someone's gonna have to explain what I had just seen for crying out loud the only information about male anatomy I know  is what my stupid cousin told me and Im not sure if I saw a WEINER or a BALL?

Star Wars in the Office

Tonight I feel as if I have new meaning to my life I will no longer take the simple pleasures in life such as clean stalls and air freshner for granted again. I have never been trained by the "Star Fleet" and Im not allowed to carry a lifesaver to the office with me. So as I casually walked into the dungeon that we in the office call "the ladies room" I was confronted by "Jabba da Hut" (the person or the shit your choice). I had a false sense of security as I entered my stall when it happened.....the most horrific smell went up into the air after a flush and "our poor defenseless ladies room" with no air freshners on the wall not even a cheap pink glade stick up safely placed with loving care in the stall...it rose up and hit me in the face like a baseball bat and me without my lifesaver stood face to face with the back of my stall door grasping my mouth shut holding my nose for dear life pleading with the little bit of air that was able to seep into my mouth through the tiny little cracks between my fingers gagging, gagging , gagging waiting on "Jabba da Hut" to wash her hands and crawl off and die somewhere (cause something was medically wrong with her or she was a vegetarian Im not sure). I gagged as she rinsed and toweled her hands off pleading with my stomach to just hold on til she exits you do not want to give your coordinates for your safety is at risk. "Jabba da Hut" then exited the dungeon and I defenseless untrained trekkie turned around and fucking lost my lunch! Now thats the 311 on GROSS!

"REALLY"

While at work on any given night I hear this phrase....."REALLY?" I mean come on is it really necessary to say that? Does someone really want that question answered? Do they really just want to be heard I mean come on "REALLY?"

Question of the Night

Ok so heres and idea wanna alittle excitement in your life but dont have any plans yet?
Why not jump into the criminal lifestyle when you are elderly then when as "Janes Addiction" once put it "Been Caught Stealing" will only mean that you forgot you were shoplifting  and what officer would want to arrest a sweet old lady wearing a tank top that says "Got Cock" and a pair of pants that say "Juicy" on the back none that I know of? Granny strikes again and with fashion sense to boot!

Nubien Momma to the Jailhouse Rescue

Here is "My Nubien Momma's" response to my letter:

Dear Misse, I dont have much time because the eagle has landed. I am glad that you wrote me because I was worried. Your sister "Shug" told me she saw you and youre doing fine. I am sorry about your Nilla Wafers. I will put a hit on her 1st thing in the morning. I couldnt find any bigger paper (return letter was written on a piece of scrap paper? so I cant write much. Be careful picking up your soap bar cause bitches are waiting for you to bend over. I have sent you some necessities to help you get thru your time.
                                                                        "Take Care" Your Nubien Momma

Enclosed was a goodie bag with the following items inside:
1.) Bag of fruit loops:cuz everyone is special
2.) 1/2 piece of bread: Momma had to give the other half to your sister
3.) Granola Bar: laced with the ability to puff puff give give
4.) Packet of Soy Sauce: make special won ton soup
5.) Pepto Pill: for those upset poopie days
6.) Fortune cookie: might have a "Get outta Jail free card" inside (PRAY HARD)
7.) Benadryl Pill: open pill and sniff sniff sniff, yeah boy ha ha!
8.) Ear Plug: to block out all the shit talkers
9.) AA Battery: just to keep your "bullet toy" happy
10.) Cotton Ball: some kinda ball is better than none
11.) Q-tips: use as antennas to pick up signals from me on how to escape

Only "My Nubien Momma" would be so thoughful.....HOLLA!

"The Jailhouse Letter"

This is the story about "The Jailhouse Letter" prank I played on my girl whom we shall call "My Nubien Momma". One night while working the midnight shift I was on one of my upswing moods and the idea of sending a jailhouse letter asking "My Nubien Momma" for help. Here is what the jailhouse letter said:
Dear "Nubien Momma",
    I'm writing this quickly so the deputies dont know I have a pencil. Ive been arrested for Domestic Assault, Drunk in Public, and indecent exposure. I was not wearing a white bra so I have to wear an orange jumpsuit with only my 32 year old boobies underneath. Im scared! Im hungry cause I already ate my bolongna sandwich and some "LADY" stole my generic Nilla Wafers plus you know Im using my orange for a fruity cocktail for later....take the edge off you know. Could you please send me some canteen money so I can buy some cookies?    
                                                                             KIT, HELP,ASAP
                                                                         Misse Mizdameanor soon to be
                                                                                  Misse Felony

P.S. My new "GIRLFRIEND" says Hi and demands you send her some white socks.

Saturday Book Review

"Johnny Got his Gun" by Dalton Trumbo (the great american novel) This book was first published in 1939 and although it is way before my time a great english teacher Ms. Vitatich in the tenth grade introduced this book to me during high school it also had a black and white movie which I found to be riveting. I was actually shocked that the school allowed this book to be read in class. So about a week ago I was listening to the radio in my truck and I heard "One" by Metallica and it immediately made me think of this book for those Metallica fans out there they know that Metallica used clips from this movie in the music video for "One" it was the inspiration behind the music. This book is about a young man who entered the military to fight for his country. He awakes (somewhat) in a hospital realizing he has lost his hearing, sight, ability to speak, his legs and his arms he has lost himself for the "WAR". He awakes in his mind he is stuck in his mind dying to get out dying to communicate with someone dying not to go crazy. He did this for his country and this is what is left of him. This book is amazing and a quick read because you get so wrapped up in this mans inner workings. I give this book a 5 out of 5 Cool Stars. No matter what your political views about "WAR" are you will enjoy reading this book. Check it out.

Coffin Game

When my sister and I were younger like she was 3 and I was 6 my sister and I living in the middle of nowhere would always come up with things to occupy our time. I generally came up with all the game ideas and usually they ended up with me getting in trouble. So let me explain this game I came up with. So it didnt really start out with a name it started out with me convincing my sister that our wooden toy chest required cleaning. She and I would take about twenty minutes cleaning all the toys out of this toy chest, stacking them up in a huge pile next to the bedroom window. Then me being me I would say "hey Amy why don't you climb inside and see if you fit in it". Amy being gullible and me being cruel (yet always thinking I was funny) would tell her that I was going to shut the lid just for a second. That's when I sprang into action I quickly shut the lid grabbed the mini-rocking chair I owned and placed the chair on top of the toy chest. I would sit in the chair and rock and not let her out. I would finally let her out when she sounded pretty winded or I heard mom making a bee line down the trailer runway. Amy although scared everytime I did this about once a week she would still participate in this game who knows maybe she was actually a thrill seeker? Hence the reason It will forever be known as the "Coffin Game". To this day I believe my sister may have issues with confined spaces and I of course got one more limb added to my "Straight to Hell" hangman chart. P.S. Amy I probably owe you for atleast let's say twenty therapy co-payments.

The Woman with Balls

Dont you think its bad enough that a woman would have the nerve to steal a husband but for that same woman to torture the woman that is the innocent party? Some women nowadays are bold they dont care if they see a wedding band on a man's hand some even ignore the two carseats in the back of the car. This is the story of the "Woman with Balls" this woman which I really don't like to use that word for her because she surely doesnt act like a woman in my book she was a homewrecker and continues to try to be a lifewrecker. This woman a convicted felony went on the hunt for a man with money saw "Brainless Redneck" and he had a badge, two nice cars, and a very nice house in a decent neighborhood she thought she was getting the goldmine boy was she surprised. This woman went behind my back and spent time with my children, committed adultery with my husband, even spent time in my home when I wasnt there. After I found out about this I wasn't really shocked as much as extremely pissed that someone was in my house without my permission my next step was to run...run straight to the doctor to get a checkup because God only knows what "Brainless Redneck" picked up from the "Woman with Balls" for crying out loud she could have anything well almost anything except and education and a clean criminal history. This woman thought she upset me by taking my husband she didnt I hate to admit this outloud (standby while I say a prayer) but I used to wish everyday that he went to work at the jail that an inmate would beat him down, or he would get hit by a Beer truck (there could be a nice six-pack settlement there). I actually had daydreams of a real officer a police officer coming to my door giving me the death notification just to have the relief of that idiot exiting my life. So when this woman came out of nowhere and actually wanted to take this idiot off my hands I was esctatic. This "Brainless Idiot" was such an idiot I once asked him "What do you want to do with your life, what are your goals?" his reply I want to work at the Sheriffs Department long enough to buy my handgun at a discount. I cant even express in words how many comments went thru my head when I heard that one. Anyways this "Woman with Balls" after the shit hit the fan and she set the wrath that is Misse B on her she then realized that I sold the house and all the profit paid off the bills, the nice cars had to be traded in for economical sedans, no longer did he live in the nice neighborhood and well with just his own income not mine he was broke so what did she end up with a "Brainless Idiot". I will say this she likes to pretend to be a christian woman but I believe once she completes her "Hooked on Phonics" cassette tapes she will be able to read the bible (well not the real big words) and realize what kinda fate lies ahead for her!

Fake Christian

I really didn't wanna skip through to any of my current bio history but today I feel the need to. So Im gonna skip ahead to 2004 just for any of my friends or family who may have seen my facebook argument today. In 2004 I was married to my high school sweetheart and we had just purchased a brand new house and 2 new cars these were called "forgive me I cheated on you gifts" from him. He I will name "Brainless Redneck". We had 2 children throughout this relationship and I agreed to move into this new house cause you guessed it i heard those famous words "I'll never do it again". My new belief about that statement is you should only have that engraved on your tombstone after you do something stupid like drive off a cliff, jump out of an airplane, run from a very fast K-9 unit and get tazed when you know you have been using narcotics and you have a heart condition anyways back to the story. After about a month of being in this house things were getting odd again so I approached the "Brainless Redneck" to discuss the option of let's get a divorce for christmas after we pay off some bills and we can go our separate ways (no I didnt have to use sign language either) I got the no we have this great house and the boys to think about. Then after waiting up all night a few weeks later I hear a truck burning out at the corner near the street we lived on a friend dropped "Brainless Redneck" off curbside literally and he wanders in with hickies all over his neck and tried to convince me that his friend "Ranger Rick" did that to him with a vacuum cleaner. Well shocker of course It was another Bitch! Two days later I get a phone message at work to call home, I do and he says "this isnt working, this us, I want a divorce" I drove straight home looked straight at him and said fine I picked up the phone and dialed the realtor he asked "what are you doing" getting rid of this house cause Im not living here anymore. We had a contract from a buyer the very next day. I started packing. He started playing games he thought he was big and bad cause he worked for the sheriffs department and my motto is just because you can fit into an plus sized brownie troop uniform doesnt make you law enforcement. Then comes the talk about where he's planning to live he explains that he is going to stay with "HER" while "HER" husband is incarcerated. I said "My boys arent going to stay the night anywhere with anyone I dont know they could be a child molester for all I know. He says to me "dont worry about that I already spoke to her probation officer and shes only had some minor charges nothing big nothing shes doing now." Mind you fast forward just a few months ahead and Im being criminally charged for Identity Theft and Fraud cause she accuses me of finding her information out through my job which internal affairs found me "NOT GUILTY".  This divorce got extremely nasty and I will break all that down in details throughout my blogging bio but needless to say if you saw my fight on facebook today that all started over her cruel email to me last night basically calling me a "bad parent" because my younger son got his birthday card and check and my oldest didnt get anything. I love both my sons equally but I will say you only get birthday gifts on your birthday not someone elses and when your birthday comes the same thing happens. A real woman a so-called Step-mother would have been able to explain that to a 12 year old without dragging his mother thru the mud.

Bipolar Angst

This morning after the usual realization that my life and marriage suck ass I decided it was time for a make over. Not just any make over a Misse B bipolar "Oops I did it again Britany Spears" make over. No I didnt shave my head I hit my favorite spot in town you guessed it Blue Horseshoe. I drove straight there at 10 am. to get pierced again. Josh my piercer who is a really cool happening type of dude pierced my eyebrow and my lebret and to my frustration it didnt even hurt a freaking bit. Anyway heres a pic check it out I love it and Im sure my parents will think "Oh for crying out loud" oh well who cares you only live once and someone told me the other day the world was gonna end in 2012 I got a get a move on my list of things to do before I die.

Dude you are such an A-hole

Ever wonder what happens to your spouse after the "you are the greatest dude ever" wears off? What about after the alcohol use wears off and you sober up to notice that you have managed to get yourself married and you now have kids? Well my experience is "What the Fuck was I thinking". I believe I was meant to be that creepy old cat lady cause dude I woke up and realized I dont like people especially you guessed it the "insignificant other". I'm going to congress to attempt to start a bill banning all marriages on the fact that it will help with the HealthCare reform cause women like me would require little to no prescription medications to ease the suffering of making disastrous choices like marrying well an A-hole. All the single ladies think twice beware you may just end up with one yourself I say have a beer think it over buy a cat!  

Chick Flick Selection of the night

Baby on Board (2008) starring Jerry O'Connell and Heather Graham. I gave this movie 4 outta 5 Cool Stars cause it was funny. It had all the great things that make for stupid yet funny humor. Humor you know like with Balls, fart jokes and sexual content. The story is about a power couples relationship prior to life changing disaster of getting pregnant when the couple is in the midst of having serious martial problems. Its a chick flick but yet I believe you dudes will not have a problem if your girlies decide to force ya to watch it. Give it a chance its funny and may even hit home for you couples that have domestic issues not the ones that require police action just those minor spat types.

Last Nights Movie Selection

The Death Factory: Bloodletting (2008) B-movie featuring Claudia Varcas, Noah Todd and David C. Hayes, director Sean Tretta music by Meat Rocket , I give this movie 4 Cool Stars outta 5 even though it was a B-movie it rocked. It had huge amounts of gore, decent plot line I really dug it. This movie was brutal from the start. Its about a place called "Gorehouse", where a man whose sister was mistreated by a drug company that did medical testing on her and that went seriously wrong. This place called Gorehouse has an online following that pay to see these Gorehouse bloodletting shows and one of the invitees has it out for this group she wants revenge for the murder of her child. You will love this movie if you like horror/thriller and enjoy well just plain gore, and of course as usual for you dudes there are boobies and I hear you guys think that shit rocks. Check it out

3 Fast Feb Documentary Reviews

Alright I have a confession to make Im a huge dork I love all things documentaries so you will see alot of documentary reviews with a very wide spectrum of topics. I love watching documentaries because they are educational and sometimes riveting. With them being educational sometimes they reinterate stuff I already learned in school sometimes I learn awesome things dumbass people do in this world to fuck up their lives and get a criminal record, sometimes I even learn some tricks of the trade incase I ever lose my job and decide to walk on over to the dark side. Lol that is just a joke...well ya never know times are tough dollar dollar bill yo!

1.) American Meth (2007), Val Kilmer director Justin Hunt is about the devastation that Meth has had on its target area the Rural areas of America. This film was very educational and graphic it really showed exactly how this drug has destroyed so many bored rednecks it aint even funny. I give this documentary a 3 out of 5 Cool Stars. I would recommend parents watch this so they can be informed and learn about the signs of this drug use if they have children over the age of 12.

2.) Totally Baked (2007), this is a Mockumentary starring Craig Shoemaker, Lee Abbott and Franklyn Ajaye directed by Lee Abbott. Ok so this is of course a movie about Legalization of Marijuana for well they say medicinal purposes although they contradict this moral debate throughout the entire film. It is funny and for all the guys out there there are alot of hooters in it which for ya'll I guess is a plus. The film does actually have somewhat of a story plot to it but of course I believe everyone who worked on producing this film may have been stoned so its all over the place. Check it out for a quick laugh I gave it 2 out of 5 Cool Stars.

3.) Meth (2006), by director Todd Ahlberg. This is a documentary about Meth use in the gay communities. This film was a complete shocker for me because I had no idea about the use of Meth in the gay community and how destructive it had become over the past 10 years. They basically depict how gay raves went from Ecstasy to hard drugs and dangerous behaviors at high speed. I found this documentary to be very educational and interesting. I guess I just had the stereotype in my head that gay guys had nice houses, nice cars and clothes and had never actually realized some would actually want to be drug dealers and users shocking I tell ya. I gave this a 2 out of 5 Cool Stars.

3 Fast Feb Movie Reviews

1.) Worlds Greatest Dad (2009), starring Robin Williams, Daryl Sabara, Alexie Gilmore by director Bob Goldthwait. Ok so this movie earns a 0 out of 5 Cool Stars! This movie was perverted and depressing. Robin Williams did not even attempt to be funny in this movie. Long Long story short this movie is about a dad who covers up his sons real reason for suicide and discovered the entire school that totally thought his son was a douche bag starts to idolize him after his passing. I would not recommend this movie to anyone who takes anti-depressants or has ever had thoughts of suicide the movie could be harmful to your survival it sucked that bad.

2.) Alice (1988), starring Kristyna Kohoutova by director Jan Svankmajer. Ok this movie didnt even register a Zero on the Cool Star system cause I managed to watch approximately 10 minutes and even without ADHD I would not have been able to handle this boring ass movie. Im a huge Alice in Wonderland fan and usually dont mind other interpretations but maybe this one was a cultural diversity issue.

3.) Penelope (2006), starring Christina Ricci and Reese Witherspoon by director Mark Palansky. I give this movie a 3 out of 5 Cool Stars I can dig the whole fairy tale girlie plot although it does have its English/London type setting which is kinda drab. I did find this movie kinda endearing and I usually tend to like movies about outcast survival. If you're bored one night check it out on Netflix.