Attack of the Billy Goat

My Dad is an electrician and back in the day he would help friends out when they needed work done he's a real helpful person. Often times he would take either my sister or myself with him to give Mom a break from us. On this occasion he went to help a friend who lived in a little shack like house off London Bridge road back before all the construction and new roadways were completed. The house was partially hidden by trees and her yard was a junky little farm area. It had a barb-wired fence and alot of construction debris laying around however I don't believe the house was actually under construction I just believe the people may have been some type of hoarders who knows. This particular day was not a very sunny day just kinda drab and had been raining on and off all morning long. Dad told me to sit in the car til he was done doing the electrical work. Before I had left the house I was excited because I got to wear my brand new Smurfs raincoat. I thought this coat was awesome it was light blue and kinda of metallic shiny. So I'm sitting in the car nosing through the glovebox hello did you think I wouldn't be snooping when given the chance. So Im getting kinda bored and I notice that this lady had a white billy goat just roaming free in the front yard near where our car was parked. I got the idea that I could lure it over to the car if I got out real quick to get a can. I figured I had seen on the cartoon Heathcliff that goats ate tin cans. So like a child panicked by Cujo (yes Nanny let me watch that movie at 6 years old) I darted from the drivers side of the car to the trash heap near the fence and ran back as quick as I could with an old rusty Tab can. So I climbed over to the passenger seat and rolled down the window and I dangled the can out of the window trying to get this goats attention. The goat stopped eating the weeds in the flowerbed and actually started walking towards me. I was geeked it was working for real but then it just stopped not close enough for me to pet it if I dared to let it near my hand. So I looked over to the house to see if Dad was watching or if anyone else could see me and they didn't not quite child neglect not quite attentive parenting. Then I made a break from the car and wearing my awesome Smurfs raincoat I ran up to the goat as fast as I could hoping to atleast pet it and then run right back to the car not letting anyone see me. However nothing ever goes as planned for me right as I got about 4 feet from the front of the car the billy goat stopped what he was doing looked at me and then put his head down and started charging at me like a mad bull. Before I even had chance to run with my back turned getting ready to make a break back to the car the billy goat slammed into the back of me using its little pointy horns and I was thrown and I hit the grill of the car thankfully not injured I started scrambling for the drivers side door and I jumped in. Looking around quickly thanking God no one saw that. I tried to brush the mud off of me so Dad wouldn't ask any questions or get mad at me for getting out of the car. When Dad returned of course he noticed I was covered in mud but he didn't get mad thank God he's an easy going guy. He said I believe you learned your own lesson about not following the rules and if you notice Melissa the goat ripped your Smurfs raincoat. Dad had seen it all. Lesson learned goats do like tin cans and apparently don't like Smurfs plus unless you wanna learn to master a rodeo for goodness sakes don't turn your back on a billy goat.

Ear...ristable

Back in the eighty's the whole family took a trip to a town called Kerr Dam. Don't ask me who chose that vacation destination. For crying out loud would it kill someone to take me to Disney World? So this trip was my family and my grandparents and of course cousin Bear who went everywhere with my Nanny I believe he was a tax write off. So we stay at this "luxury" hotel or was it a motel I'm really not sure what's the difference anyway valet vs. kids lugging the baggage into the room? So my family has there own room while my grandparents and cousin Bear stay in the room next door. Most of the family was already downstairs enjoying the cement pond and catching some sun. My Nanny was in her room getting changed from her "car riding" clothes aka loose britches. Myself and cousin Bear were both out on the balconies I was on my balcony he was on his balcony anyone see a problem with that? For all my friends and family who know me they know I have Dumbo ears well they are inherited from my Papaw's side of the family hence the reason my cousin Bear also has rather large Dumbo ears and honestly I'm not sure if he still does his head may have caught up with them by now. So I'm chilling on my balcony talking to Bear through the bars between the two balconies. Then that little devil on my left shoulder (its the left cause the left is where all evil comes from hello it ain't right) reared it's ugly but hilarious head. So that little devil whispered in my Dumbo ear and it was processed by my crazy little creative brain. I thought to myself I wonder exactly how far would Bear go if I instructed him to do something "creative" but not illegal of course? That's when the idea struck me like a drunk driver on the wrong on the wrong side of the road. I said "hey Bear wanna come over and hang out in my room maybe watch some t.v. eat some stolen cheetos from my sisters beach bag?" Bear replies "Sure" he goes to turn for the doorway. That's when I say "No slip through the bars you'll fit". He says "Are you sure?" I say "Yeah! and you don't wanna disturb Nanny while she's getting dressed right?" He says "Ok". I can barely contain myself at this point he's actually going to do what I asked he's not even going to question it's safety or embarrassment level for that matter. So as I slip back on my balcony to give him some room he quickly slides his head in between the bars just as something distracts him I believe he got spooked by a family member that was being too loud down at the concrete swimming hole. So he goes to quickly jerk his head back through the bars to his side of the balcony and I look at him he looks like a chimpaneze stuck in the bars now his large ears forced forward while his face was smooshed. He is totally stuck no I mean completely stuck! He starts to panic as I laugh however I hear Nanny coming like a charging bull towards the balcony I quickly switch from laughter to panic and pretending to assist him out of his "stupid" idea. He struggles and struggles trying to hurry before he gets in trouble. The ruckus is not yet noticeable from where we are YET! Just then my Nanny jumps out of the balcony doorway like Molly Shannon yelling "SUPERSTAR" but she's not in a Catholic school girl outfit she's in her vacation pants and her Brazere! For ya'll non country folks that's her BRA! Now she's panicking I have to step into my room after she screams at me to find the sunscreen and I'm like damn she's in a hurry to get a suntan. Every family member down at the pool including every other vacationer with bad enough taste to opt for this hotel looked up to see what was wrong and saw my Nanny trying to yank a little boy through the balcony bars wearing her BRA. At this point I'm seriously going to explode if I don't find a place to let this laughter out so I dart back into my room covering my mouth trying to hold back the laughter as I pretend to look for sunscreen, aloe anything slippery! Just as I get to the middle of the room my Mom yanks me up and asks "what the hell is going on MELISSA?" and yes Melissa is the key word in any sentence or question involving me and trouble they go hand and hand. She's drags me back out onto the balcony where they are lubing Bear's ears, neck, head, face wherever they could squirt him trying to free him. My Mom asks Bear "Hun how did this happen?" He's teary eyed looking like a wounded hound dog. He says in his boo-hooy little voice "Misse told me to come over to her room". My Nanny says "Why didn't ya use the God Damn door?" They all stare at me as I stood there calculating my next response then I said "Uh I asked him to come over but um I didn't tell him to go through the bars." My Mom gave me the "You better fucking run for your life look" and I ran for my room locking myself in the bathroom trying to find something to spray in my eyes to make it look like I was crying. I hear people yelling Call the Fire Department we can't get him out Jesus. Then right as someones trying to call 911 and another family member is scaring him to death by saying we're gonna have to cut them suckers off! POP his head and ears are FREE. They managed to free him by pressing one Dumbo ear down as flat against his face as they could and there was now no need for the fire department darn it no lights and sirens what a boring boring day. I'm still sitting here with the ability to type this blog so you have realized I survived the asswhooping and I'm able to pass on this story and maybe remind my cousin Bear of this embarrassment so he can relive it again. Moral of the story never try to slip through the bars of a balcony when instructed by a family member who very may one day end up behind bars herself wait I don't look good in bright orange but Bear's face looks good in RED!

Church Actresses Puppets Same Difference

This is another church function that I was volunteered forcefully to participate in just because if my sister had to participate well that means I had to go along for the ride weather I liked it or not. Apparently my family doesn't give a damn whether or not I have severe stage fright. This is a picture of a Christmas play we were in back in 1986. If you would direct your eyes to the back row the girl in pink also in hiding is me. Yes the one with the flower in here hair hello I believe Nici Nash stole my style geez did Mom like to play dress up with me or something. My sister is the show off in the front row with the lovely red skirt pulled up to her boobies just about and the Mary Janes with knee socks fashionable combo there am I right? Notice she also has a flower in her hair biting off my style again!

Today I'm actually going to tell you about the play at church I will forever refer to as the "Puppet Master" play. By now you may have noticed a theme where I didn't wish to participate in these functions and my sister on the other hand died to be in the midst of stardom. I honestly believe if they would have let her preach to the church she would have! So we had a play where the theme was sorta the breaking news of Christs resurrection. Jim Kincaid ( I just totally showed my age there) was a guest star where he was on video doing the intro for a newscast where he turned the news story over to my sister the "News reporter".  I was designated to be an ANGEL someone must of thought that was funny I'm so lucky I didn't recieve 3rd degree burns when that costume was put against my demon skin. Anyways so I had to stand up above the stage on a wooden plank carefully balanced over the baptism pool tub whatever you call it...I had one line to say one stinking little line that I attempted to memorize for a week agonizing over screwing that up. My sister however had probably every line in the play. So after my sister does her lines it's my part they point the spot light on me when it's time for me to say my one line here's my chance here I go. I open my mouth to say the words when I apparently had an out of body experience not to mention another Amy induced embarrassment. My control wannabe be movie star freak sister said my line as I lip sync'd my line as she spoke. Do you think the church didn't notice that I was talking like a puppet with my sister controlling me like a dummy. Well of course they all noticed how freakin cute is my sister? All I needed was a monicle and a freakin top hat shove a hand up my ass and I'm apparently your dummy.