Ear...ristable

Back in the eighty's the whole family took a trip to a town called Kerr Dam. Don't ask me who chose that vacation destination. For crying out loud would it kill someone to take me to Disney World? So this trip was my family and my grandparents and of course cousin Bear who went everywhere with my Nanny I believe he was a tax write off. So we stay at this "luxury" hotel or was it a motel I'm really not sure what's the difference anyway valet vs. kids lugging the baggage into the room? So my family has there own room while my grandparents and cousin Bear stay in the room next door. Most of the family was already downstairs enjoying the cement pond and catching some sun. My Nanny was in her room getting changed from her "car riding" clothes aka loose britches. Myself and cousin Bear were both out on the balconies I was on my balcony he was on his balcony anyone see a problem with that? For all my friends and family who know me they know I have Dumbo ears well they are inherited from my Papaw's side of the family hence the reason my cousin Bear also has rather large Dumbo ears and honestly I'm not sure if he still does his head may have caught up with them by now. So I'm chilling on my balcony talking to Bear through the bars between the two balconies. Then that little devil on my left shoulder (its the left cause the left is where all evil comes from hello it ain't right) reared it's ugly but hilarious head. So that little devil whispered in my Dumbo ear and it was processed by my crazy little creative brain. I thought to myself I wonder exactly how far would Bear go if I instructed him to do something "creative" but not illegal of course? That's when the idea struck me like a drunk driver on the wrong on the wrong side of the road. I said "hey Bear wanna come over and hang out in my room maybe watch some t.v. eat some stolen cheetos from my sisters beach bag?" Bear replies "Sure" he goes to turn for the doorway. That's when I say "No slip through the bars you'll fit". He says "Are you sure?" I say "Yeah! and you don't wanna disturb Nanny while she's getting dressed right?" He says "Ok". I can barely contain myself at this point he's actually going to do what I asked he's not even going to question it's safety or embarrassment level for that matter. So as I slip back on my balcony to give him some room he quickly slides his head in between the bars just as something distracts him I believe he got spooked by a family member that was being too loud down at the concrete swimming hole. So he goes to quickly jerk his head back through the bars to his side of the balcony and I look at him he looks like a chimpaneze stuck in the bars now his large ears forced forward while his face was smooshed. He is totally stuck no I mean completely stuck! He starts to panic as I laugh however I hear Nanny coming like a charging bull towards the balcony I quickly switch from laughter to panic and pretending to assist him out of his "stupid" idea. He struggles and struggles trying to hurry before he gets in trouble. The ruckus is not yet noticeable from where we are YET! Just then my Nanny jumps out of the balcony doorway like Molly Shannon yelling "SUPERSTAR" but she's not in a Catholic school girl outfit she's in her vacation pants and her Brazere! For ya'll non country folks that's her BRA! Now she's panicking I have to step into my room after she screams at me to find the sunscreen and I'm like damn she's in a hurry to get a suntan. Every family member down at the pool including every other vacationer with bad enough taste to opt for this hotel looked up to see what was wrong and saw my Nanny trying to yank a little boy through the balcony bars wearing her BRA. At this point I'm seriously going to explode if I don't find a place to let this laughter out so I dart back into my room covering my mouth trying to hold back the laughter as I pretend to look for sunscreen, aloe anything slippery! Just as I get to the middle of the room my Mom yanks me up and asks "what the hell is going on MELISSA?" and yes Melissa is the key word in any sentence or question involving me and trouble they go hand and hand. She's drags me back out onto the balcony where they are lubing Bear's ears, neck, head, face wherever they could squirt him trying to free him. My Mom asks Bear "Hun how did this happen?" He's teary eyed looking like a wounded hound dog. He says in his boo-hooy little voice "Misse told me to come over to her room". My Nanny says "Why didn't ya use the God Damn door?" They all stare at me as I stood there calculating my next response then I said "Uh I asked him to come over but um I didn't tell him to go through the bars." My Mom gave me the "You better fucking run for your life look" and I ran for my room locking myself in the bathroom trying to find something to spray in my eyes to make it look like I was crying. I hear people yelling Call the Fire Department we can't get him out Jesus. Then right as someones trying to call 911 and another family member is scaring him to death by saying we're gonna have to cut them suckers off! POP his head and ears are FREE. They managed to free him by pressing one Dumbo ear down as flat against his face as they could and there was now no need for the fire department darn it no lights and sirens what a boring boring day. I'm still sitting here with the ability to type this blog so you have realized I survived the asswhooping and I'm able to pass on this story and maybe remind my cousin Bear of this embarrassment so he can relive it again. Moral of the story never try to slip through the bars of a balcony when instructed by a family member who very may one day end up behind bars herself wait I don't look good in bright orange but Bear's face looks good in RED!