New Venture

I've had a rough past few months. Life has been incrediably stressful apparently I'm such an impatient person that I couldn't be patient and wait for a mid-life crisis I had to have one in my 30's. So I'm working on my life, steering in new directions, throwing and tantrum and picking up the pieces. I'm going to finally throw myself completely into the art culture I'm creating art instead of babies at this point in my life. So as I was saying I'm venturing out on my own into the business world. I've started a business called "Fad-Tastic Traveling Murals". For those of you that don't know what that means here is a brief explanation. You have kids they love cartoon and movie characters however Little Billy loves Batman then after purchasing all of the room decor you can find at Walmart for him to decorate his room he wants a mural. However you live in an apartment or you know your little Billy all too well and instead of getting stuck with a Batman mural on your wall after Little Billy has moved on to Transformers I paint what little Billy wants on canvas and 6 months down the road you just order a new Traveling Mural and you don't have to re-paint or lose your security deposit. Fads come and go but every parent wants to make their child happy so there is my business plan. I'm diving in head first so let's hope I don't slam into the bottom of the cement pond.

Daily Bloggin'

Ok so I'm setting a goal today to try and keep up with my blog I've neglected it. So those that know me or would like to know me should know that I tend to procrasinate sometimes. My life has been extremely stressful lately the stress is neverending. I'm still going to add my usual funny life stories as much as possible however I feel I can't be creative all the time. I'm still at the same job slash career....I'm a 911 dispatcher and I love my job seriously I'm obsessed I never thought in a million years I would have a occupation that I love or that I felt like I was accepted at. Few may know that I've always wanted to be a 911 dispatcher or an artist since I was about 3 years old yes I have the memory of an elephant.. I chose 911 dispatcher I tend to sway towards the paying career....but when I was little and listening to my grandparents scanner I never actually knew what it took to do the jobs that the men and women behind the radio do I mean what they really do for a living. It's hard work It's challenging work. When I was little and listening to the scanner it always sounded so exciting. My uncle was a firefighter and paramedic and he loved his career and all of his stories were awesome he truly is a hero. I really loved listening to the scanner on a weekend when my family would get all amped up when they heard an exciting call for service go out over the air for the Creeds or Pungo area. My Nanny would always try to guess whose lived at the address going over the air waves for a Cardiac or she would try to guess who drove the blue datsun involved in the traffic accident involving an entrapment I'm not sure how accurate she actually was but the radio traffic was still fun to listen to. Now as an adult and a woman that has been a dispatcher for 8 years I know what the job really entails and yes it's still freaking AWESOME! The men and women that work at Virginia Beach 911 are some of the greatest most wonderful people. Each employee there is actually a hero in my book they work long hours and miss holidays and have to deal with ALOT of stress but still they go to work everyday to ensure that every citizen in Virginia Beach has someone to answer their calls for assistance be it a life-threatening emergency or just someone to answer their routine questions. People always ask "How do you do it the stress must be crazy?" when you tell them your occupation. We do it not just because someone has to but because we love it, we really do love helping people if someone tells you they don't they are bullshitting you they do. Yeah its stressful so is life. Remember though that when someone is having an emergency and yes the best of us freak out someone has to be there to listen and calm you down so you can get the help you need. When I first took this job I was so scared of the phone I would sit there praying that no call would drop into my ear. The calls however did and after awhile I no longer felt panicked during high priority calls I realized I really love this and I've helped alot of people in my time at 911. Sure there are everyday office issues that can be tedious or annoying to some and it's not always easy to get along with everyone all of the time but I truly respect my co-workers they are great people they are fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, artistic, creative, funny and intelligent caring people friends actually. I wouldn't give this career up for anything in the world. So next time you have to call dispatch (hopefully for a non-emergency) remember we're there to help you and sometimes a thank you goes a real long way.

Failed Execution

When you live in the county and your activities are limited and friends are sparse you pretty much depend on your parents providing you with a Nintendo or by default siblings. Since my Dad and Mom were thrifty parents who loved to coin the phrase "we don't like to buy anything the year it comes out just in case the company is working the bugs out" and with my luck of course that meant I never recieved the blasted NES game system I so desperately wanted for christmas and asked for 5 holidays in a row til it was old news and all the other kids had already defeated Koopa and saved the Princess no I got Amy my sister. So that meant I either have to come up with creative forms of entertainment which usually would end in a whoopin or do what most redneck little girls from the county did during the summer season cut the grass. Now we werent like ya'll little city girls who got this nice box sized yard of grass infront of your house edged with sidewalk or flowerbeds if you were lucky we had country yards you know like football fields only not as green and no white lines to remind you whose yard to stay out of. On this particular Saturday afternoon I begged to be allowed to mow the lawn I wanted so bad to be able to drive the riding lawnmower. However like a drunk with one too many DUI's I was suspended from driving a lawnmower. I was suspended because I took out one too many of the nice flowers not the "inexpensive flowers" you know the yellow dandelions that my Nanny called the ones you didn't have to buy and plant yourself and as I later learned were weeds (I saw that on a Weedkiller commercial) I asked Papaw and he had confirmed that in fact dandelions were weeds and Nanny wouldn't know the difference from a weed or a bright red tulip. This would also explain why Papaw on several occasions got pissed off and mowed down Nanny's flowerbeds. So as I was saying I begged nagged pleaded to use the riding lawnmower Dad refused. He did finally give in and said "Sure you can use the riding lawnmower let your sister drive it since you've taken out one too many porch rail....YES! I DID HIT THE DAMN PORCH RAIL AND ALMOST DRAGGED DOWN THE TRAILER DOWN WITH IT once okay maybe twice but no one saw that other time I was trying to change my cassette tape over WHAM side 1 was getting boring! For God's sakes I was trying to cut down on my Dad's weedeating its hard to get close to the porch on that damn frankenstein riding lawnmower freakin refurbished and surgically reconstructed out of duct tape by Papaw and would it have killed somebody to purchase one with a more comfortable seat those dryrotted tears hurt like a bitch when you have on cutoffs  Geez! Anyways Amy was driving I was riding shotgun in the bitchseat and trust me I wasn't appreciating that at all. So Amy mowing all over the place all organized and not in the highest speed gear she could put it in damn Grandma driver if the thing had had a blinker Im sure she would have left that on for about two acres! As we were finishing up she decides that she's gotta get the edge along the field behind the trailer and she decides to take a short cut right under the clothesline. She continues on her pace and me who I would like to advise now (should have had parents that may have found it useful to put me on ADHD medication HELLO!) was in LaLa land as she goes under the line she doesn't even say duck or anything I get clotheslined literally. My head hit the first Green Metal clothesline doinnngg! then the next and I'm caught between the two as she's continuing to drive not noticing the fact I'm being hung I flail about trying to save my own life. I'm thinking damn I'm being hung out to dry and I'm not even going to make it to double digits. Amy can't hear me yelling due to the lawnmower and her intense need to complete tasks hence the reason she's the smart organized and well functioning adult that I'm not. Finally just before the feeling of unconsciousness occurred Dad comes running yelling for Amy to cut the engine and yes apparently fuel costs were also more important in this instance rather than the fact that my neck is now going to be abnormal looking like the rest of abnormal possibly retarded giraffe looking body was. Dad gets me down and I'm glad and now more motivated than ever to get some things marked off my "country bucket list" for instance if I hadn't escaped that damn failed attempt "accident" of an execution I would never gotten to see my name up in lights you know no Pungo boy would ever get to spray paint my name up on the light pole under the baseball field lights at Campbells Landing ballfield after falling madly in love with me for giving it up early out of boredom WHAT ?? did you think I meant Broadway! Sha! Hardly. Also if anyone's wondering if Amy was still allowed to operate heavy machinery for this industrial "accident" why of course she was cause it doesn't matter if ya lose one child as long as you still have a spare besides trailers lose their resale value if you don't have a porch.

Attack of the Billy Goat

My Dad is an electrician and back in the day he would help friends out when they needed work done he's a real helpful person. Often times he would take either my sister or myself with him to give Mom a break from us. On this occasion he went to help a friend who lived in a little shack like house off London Bridge road back before all the construction and new roadways were completed. The house was partially hidden by trees and her yard was a junky little farm area. It had a barb-wired fence and alot of construction debris laying around however I don't believe the house was actually under construction I just believe the people may have been some type of hoarders who knows. This particular day was not a very sunny day just kinda drab and had been raining on and off all morning long. Dad told me to sit in the car til he was done doing the electrical work. Before I had left the house I was excited because I got to wear my brand new Smurfs raincoat. I thought this coat was awesome it was light blue and kinda of metallic shiny. So I'm sitting in the car nosing through the glovebox hello did you think I wouldn't be snooping when given the chance. So Im getting kinda bored and I notice that this lady had a white billy goat just roaming free in the front yard near where our car was parked. I got the idea that I could lure it over to the car if I got out real quick to get a can. I figured I had seen on the cartoon Heathcliff that goats ate tin cans. So like a child panicked by Cujo (yes Nanny let me watch that movie at 6 years old) I darted from the drivers side of the car to the trash heap near the fence and ran back as quick as I could with an old rusty Tab can. So I climbed over to the passenger seat and rolled down the window and I dangled the can out of the window trying to get this goats attention. The goat stopped eating the weeds in the flowerbed and actually started walking towards me. I was geeked it was working for real but then it just stopped not close enough for me to pet it if I dared to let it near my hand. So I looked over to the house to see if Dad was watching or if anyone else could see me and they didn't not quite child neglect not quite attentive parenting. Then I made a break from the car and wearing my awesome Smurfs raincoat I ran up to the goat as fast as I could hoping to atleast pet it and then run right back to the car not letting anyone see me. However nothing ever goes as planned for me right as I got about 4 feet from the front of the car the billy goat stopped what he was doing looked at me and then put his head down and started charging at me like a mad bull. Before I even had chance to run with my back turned getting ready to make a break back to the car the billy goat slammed into the back of me using its little pointy horns and I was thrown and I hit the grill of the car thankfully not injured I started scrambling for the drivers side door and I jumped in. Looking around quickly thanking God no one saw that. I tried to brush the mud off of me so Dad wouldn't ask any questions or get mad at me for getting out of the car. When Dad returned of course he noticed I was covered in mud but he didn't get mad thank God he's an easy going guy. He said I believe you learned your own lesson about not following the rules and if you notice Melissa the goat ripped your Smurfs raincoat. Dad had seen it all. Lesson learned goats do like tin cans and apparently don't like Smurfs plus unless you wanna learn to master a rodeo for goodness sakes don't turn your back on a billy goat.

Ear...ristable

Back in the eighty's the whole family took a trip to a town called Kerr Dam. Don't ask me who chose that vacation destination. For crying out loud would it kill someone to take me to Disney World? So this trip was my family and my grandparents and of course cousin Bear who went everywhere with my Nanny I believe he was a tax write off. So we stay at this "luxury" hotel or was it a motel I'm really not sure what's the difference anyway valet vs. kids lugging the baggage into the room? So my family has there own room while my grandparents and cousin Bear stay in the room next door. Most of the family was already downstairs enjoying the cement pond and catching some sun. My Nanny was in her room getting changed from her "car riding" clothes aka loose britches. Myself and cousin Bear were both out on the balconies I was on my balcony he was on his balcony anyone see a problem with that? For all my friends and family who know me they know I have Dumbo ears well they are inherited from my Papaw's side of the family hence the reason my cousin Bear also has rather large Dumbo ears and honestly I'm not sure if he still does his head may have caught up with them by now. So I'm chilling on my balcony talking to Bear through the bars between the two balconies. Then that little devil on my left shoulder (its the left cause the left is where all evil comes from hello it ain't right) reared it's ugly but hilarious head. So that little devil whispered in my Dumbo ear and it was processed by my crazy little creative brain. I thought to myself I wonder exactly how far would Bear go if I instructed him to do something "creative" but not illegal of course? That's when the idea struck me like a drunk driver on the wrong on the wrong side of the road. I said "hey Bear wanna come over and hang out in my room maybe watch some t.v. eat some stolen cheetos from my sisters beach bag?" Bear replies "Sure" he goes to turn for the doorway. That's when I say "No slip through the bars you'll fit". He says "Are you sure?" I say "Yeah! and you don't wanna disturb Nanny while she's getting dressed right?" He says "Ok". I can barely contain myself at this point he's actually going to do what I asked he's not even going to question it's safety or embarrassment level for that matter. So as I slip back on my balcony to give him some room he quickly slides his head in between the bars just as something distracts him I believe he got spooked by a family member that was being too loud down at the concrete swimming hole. So he goes to quickly jerk his head back through the bars to his side of the balcony and I look at him he looks like a chimpaneze stuck in the bars now his large ears forced forward while his face was smooshed. He is totally stuck no I mean completely stuck! He starts to panic as I laugh however I hear Nanny coming like a charging bull towards the balcony I quickly switch from laughter to panic and pretending to assist him out of his "stupid" idea. He struggles and struggles trying to hurry before he gets in trouble. The ruckus is not yet noticeable from where we are YET! Just then my Nanny jumps out of the balcony doorway like Molly Shannon yelling "SUPERSTAR" but she's not in a Catholic school girl outfit she's in her vacation pants and her Brazere! For ya'll non country folks that's her BRA! Now she's panicking I have to step into my room after she screams at me to find the sunscreen and I'm like damn she's in a hurry to get a suntan. Every family member down at the pool including every other vacationer with bad enough taste to opt for this hotel looked up to see what was wrong and saw my Nanny trying to yank a little boy through the balcony bars wearing her BRA. At this point I'm seriously going to explode if I don't find a place to let this laughter out so I dart back into my room covering my mouth trying to hold back the laughter as I pretend to look for sunscreen, aloe anything slippery! Just as I get to the middle of the room my Mom yanks me up and asks "what the hell is going on MELISSA?" and yes Melissa is the key word in any sentence or question involving me and trouble they go hand and hand. She's drags me back out onto the balcony where they are lubing Bear's ears, neck, head, face wherever they could squirt him trying to free him. My Mom asks Bear "Hun how did this happen?" He's teary eyed looking like a wounded hound dog. He says in his boo-hooy little voice "Misse told me to come over to her room". My Nanny says "Why didn't ya use the God Damn door?" They all stare at me as I stood there calculating my next response then I said "Uh I asked him to come over but um I didn't tell him to go through the bars." My Mom gave me the "You better fucking run for your life look" and I ran for my room locking myself in the bathroom trying to find something to spray in my eyes to make it look like I was crying. I hear people yelling Call the Fire Department we can't get him out Jesus. Then right as someones trying to call 911 and another family member is scaring him to death by saying we're gonna have to cut them suckers off! POP his head and ears are FREE. They managed to free him by pressing one Dumbo ear down as flat against his face as they could and there was now no need for the fire department darn it no lights and sirens what a boring boring day. I'm still sitting here with the ability to type this blog so you have realized I survived the asswhooping and I'm able to pass on this story and maybe remind my cousin Bear of this embarrassment so he can relive it again. Moral of the story never try to slip through the bars of a balcony when instructed by a family member who very may one day end up behind bars herself wait I don't look good in bright orange but Bear's face looks good in RED!

Church Actresses Puppets Same Difference

This is another church function that I was volunteered forcefully to participate in just because if my sister had to participate well that means I had to go along for the ride weather I liked it or not. Apparently my family doesn't give a damn whether or not I have severe stage fright. This is a picture of a Christmas play we were in back in 1986. If you would direct your eyes to the back row the girl in pink also in hiding is me. Yes the one with the flower in here hair hello I believe Nici Nash stole my style geez did Mom like to play dress up with me or something. My sister is the show off in the front row with the lovely red skirt pulled up to her boobies just about and the Mary Janes with knee socks fashionable combo there am I right? Notice she also has a flower in her hair biting off my style again!

Today I'm actually going to tell you about the play at church I will forever refer to as the "Puppet Master" play. By now you may have noticed a theme where I didn't wish to participate in these functions and my sister on the other hand died to be in the midst of stardom. I honestly believe if they would have let her preach to the church she would have! So we had a play where the theme was sorta the breaking news of Christs resurrection. Jim Kincaid ( I just totally showed my age there) was a guest star where he was on video doing the intro for a newscast where he turned the news story over to my sister the "News reporter".  I was designated to be an ANGEL someone must of thought that was funny I'm so lucky I didn't recieve 3rd degree burns when that costume was put against my demon skin. Anyways so I had to stand up above the stage on a wooden plank carefully balanced over the baptism pool tub whatever you call it...I had one line to say one stinking little line that I attempted to memorize for a week agonizing over screwing that up. My sister however had probably every line in the play. So after my sister does her lines it's my part they point the spot light on me when it's time for me to say my one line here's my chance here I go. I open my mouth to say the words when I apparently had an out of body experience not to mention another Amy induced embarrassment. My control wannabe be movie star freak sister said my line as I lip sync'd my line as she spoke. Do you think the church didn't notice that I was talking like a puppet with my sister controlling me like a dummy. Well of course they all noticed how freakin cute is my sister? All I needed was a monicle and a freakin top hat shove a hand up my ass and I'm apparently your dummy.

Pull Me

Hmm....My chickas like to make me paranoid. So tonight looking my snazziest rockin my Oklahoma jersey and my unintentionally skinny jeans I feel the presence of a rival gang member behind me. My chickas got hookups and I don't fit in cause I don't got "Shiny Shoes".Yes! VB's finest gang it's the Po-Po riding a little too close behind my hotwheels. So I'm trying to eat my sandwich, drinking an energy drink, and blaring "I'm in Love wit a Stripper" with the glass rolled down I notice them in my "watch yo back viewer". I start to wonder has one of my chickas set me up for a "Pull yo shit over Yo"? Then I try my hardest not to drive like my usual ADHD self and I turn my music up and continue wit my "patrol roll" that's my lazy drivin style the not quite perfect driving school ettiquette not quite DUI qualification til I get right infront of work and as usual Po-Po's attention is diverted easily his home base right across the street from my homebase we part going our own separate ways HaHa I make my escape again. Or maybe he just wanted to finish hearing the rest of "I'm in Love wit a Stripper"?????? ADHD moment wouldn't it be funny if an officer pulled ya over on a traffic stop and walked up to the window with a can of Pepsi and a can of Coke and then said "Would you like to participate in the Pepsi Challenge?" or better yet walk up casually to the window with your screw up your savings account ticket book then look at the driver and say "OH SHIT" and take off running back to the car? That shit would be funny anyone wanna let me do a ride-along I swear I'll behave. :) Peace Out Ya'll