Fuck Being an Elf!

Today since I have St. Patty's day on my mind for some reason I haven't been drinking or wearing green maybe it's because I've been hanging with my little elves. Anyway today I've decided to tell the story of "Fuck Being an Elf!" This story starts out with me in the third grade our school had just hired a new music teacher her name was Ms. Davis she was a beautiful really strict african american teacher who brought diversity to our 95% white school. I liked this teacher because I was easily bored in music class because I was shy infront of others but this lady let me play the sticks...hey are sticks musical instruments or just something to keep me busy? So on this particular day of school we were having a christmas play rehearsal and we were in the cafeteria slash stage area of the school so that we could get a feel for the stage while we learned our parts and practiced our songs. Ms. Davis sat at the piano facing the front of the stage and some students were grouped up in the cafeteria area, some were on the stage and then there were the two of us my cousin "Pig Pen" and myself who were behind the stage because we were assigned to be elves and when we weren't on the stage we were gonna work the curtain for the other acts. Whenever "Pig Pen" and I got together it was always bad news and behind the stage was an old area of the stage which led to the principals office and next to the principals office was a door that beside it sat a bookshelf. Then I saw it on the bookshelf some type of old homemade rag doll. I have no idea where it came from or who had left it behind it was old and dusty so I showed it to "Pig Pen". Then I noticed on the top of the bookshelf was a coffee mug filled with water. Now let me first defend myself in this plan of action I only pointed out the fact that the coffee mug was on the bookshelf and "Pig Pen" held the rag doll I never gave instructions on what took place next. "Pig Pen and I both first looked at the rag doll in his hands then over to the coffee mug then back to the rag doll. Then the rag doll ended up in the water it soaked up about 75% of the water because it was mostly cotton and felt. Then it happened "Pig Pen" took a pencil and picked up the wet rag doll and flung it. He didn't just fling it off stage somewhere or even at me for that matter. He flung it so hard that it landed on the keys of the piano as Ms. Davis played her christmas carol splashing water all over her. I just stood there when I heard Ms. Davis yell saying "whichever students are behind the stage get out here now!" Neither "Pig Pen" or myself were gonna confess. Ms. Davis made all the music students sit in the cafeteria floor "Indian Style" (now the politically correct name is criss-cross applesauce) and hang their heads down. The idea of this form of interrogation was that while all the students hung their heads down whoever witnessed the guilty party doing the crime they were to raise their hand and point out the guilty party. NO ONE I REPEAT NO ONE! but "Pig Pen" and myself were behind the curtains. Then it happened sitting next to "Pig Pen" I contemplated pointing him out but before I could I felt him raise his hand in my mind I was like "Aw hell no" but he had done it he sealed my fate. The next thing I felt was the teachers hand on my shoulder as I got called out infront of everyone in the cafeteria. She took me straight to the principals office and expulsion was recommended. They called my MOTHER.  Oh Crap Im gonna be suspended and Im only in the third grade! My mother arrived and the principal sat at his desk while Ms. Davis stated what had occurred and explained that she felt this was racially motivated since she was new and one out of the only two african-american teachers at this school. Trust me I will tell you now it was NOT racially motivated in the third grade it was only comically motivated and not well thought out. My mother and the principal discussed this back and forth and decided that since I had only had minor run ins with authorities in the school so far ya know since I started kindergarten I was an alumni geeezzz they cleared it up and against the objections of the music teacher decided on my punishment. They decided that I would sit in the office on the "You screwed up Bench" everyday during recess for a week A WHOLE WEEK but that wasn't the bad part the bad part was I was forced to apologize to the teacher infront of the class for what I had done (I wasn't even given the right to appeal for crying out loud) So my mother left and as she turned the corner to head to the car she gave me the "LOOK" I know I pissed her off but come on I was gonna have to apologize for something I didn't completely do (apparently I have the power of Mind Control?) couldn't the principal just let her beat me in the parking lot please! So I walked up to the front of the cafeteria infront of all my music classmates stood next to the piano and the music teacher and the principal said to the group "Quiet everybody Misse has a little something she needs to say to everyone" I stood there my face was "BEET RED" I said in my lowest voice "I'm sorry I disturbed the class and Ms. Davis Im sorry you got hit with the wet baby doll. I almost started to cry from the embarrassment except for the fact that "Pig Pen" scooted up front just to get a better view of the show. The teacher then said "well Misse I can't allow you to be an elf in the play now because of your behavior" Then I said it I looked straight at the music teacher after looking at "Pig Pen" and said " I didn't want to be a freaking elf anyway! The teacher just looked at me and the crowd gasped then the principal walked me out of the cafeteria and there I sat again on the "You screwed up again Bench" the principal decided to add to my punishment I would now for the next week have to eat my lunch in his office with him in dead silence! At this point I was so mad at "Pig Pen" that I wanted to kill him it was a really long bus ride home and of course I had been in trouble on the bus so many times I was assigned to the front seat so "Pig Pen" ran past me and bee-lined it to the back of the bus. I just stared at him the whole ride thinking "stupid boy we get off at the same stop we live next door to each other" I had a book bag waiting to slap the stupid off of him when I got off the bus. The bus came to a stop and we got off "Pig Pen" tried to apologize I wasn't accepting that I slapped him full force in the back with my book bag but it didn't hurt that little jerk and he took off running towards his house he got away but of course I had the last word as usual....I yelled  "Alteast Im not a Girlie-Ass Elf like you".